breaking my silence

basing on experience, this is another anthology of your "life". another episode of your exploration and seeing the world. and i know you will disagree.. and thats the act 2 of your story im talking about.

it seems strange that after more than a decade of being together and claiming that we know each other very much, that one need not talk about something for the other one to know how he feels and thinks, you fail to realize that your argument of your need to breathe and grow apart from us is actually MY mantra. and since im holding on to that principle, why would i stop you from expanding your horizons? you would even be the first one to get annoyed when we talk about this issue, claiming that theres really no fuss. i tried to understand and believe you, but your actions just wont suffice your standpoint. and based on how well i know you, that part has a subtext of "id be pissed off to get away with it coz i really cant justify my exploits (either by coincidence or by choice)".

to be fair to you, it really did start with a lame jealousy. i admit that with all conviction and pride because thats a simple gauge of how important you are to me. but you know, after sometime, the jealousy has metamorphosed into indifference.. thinking this too shall pass.. and later on after a few more dramas, the indifference has fashioned to hurt and disappointment. and yes i am hurting because you are disappoiting. disappointing for making ivy cry. hurting for leaving bec wondering. and im very hurt for you to be not practicing what you are preaching. my issue is not about you finding happiness and thrill in the company of other people because that is beyond my control. my issue is you going on circles and doing a LOT of things that are contradicting to your statements. you know you remind me very well of my first love. maybe we could talk more about this instead for you may be able to assay things to me better because you are of the same feather.

i miss you very much and it pains that you remain silent and away from the place youve referred to as your home. oh, i almost forgot the friendster comment you made. (my reply in bold)

"nothin's changed (try consulting your optometrist)..i love u soooo much and i love our sisters soooo much (until when was this?)...how can we let misunderstandings get in the way (honey, maybe you should ask yourself)..i feel so singled out (that was your choice)...i don't even know where to pick up the pieces...where did i go wrong?? (now thats a bigger problem) i miss u..i miss us...i'll no longer beg for your understanding..i know you guys are tired of me already..all i'm asking for now is for all of you to love me...again...(love is something you earn. and a simple friendster comment wont create a revolution. stand up and do what you say) "

and even before you start to misinterpret me again, im not asking you to leave or shut them off your system. they are good people with how i see them because if theyre not you wont even be with them at the first place. i just want you to know that in this season of "FRIENDS", youve been doing too much adlibs and youre way out of context. and absurdly, the director becomes powerless and only you.. ONLY YOU can say "CUT!"

now and then

Your past life diagnosis:

---

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Romania around the year 1800. Your profession was that of a map maker, astrologer, astronomer.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different. Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life.

from http://thebigview.com/pastlife/

blood, sweat, and tears

ive never been this busy and loaded with work since i left the comfort of my school. the number of projects (events, theatrical releases, ppv's, etc) ive handled with my boss is just incredulously disproportional with my tenure at abscbn m.e. but what the heck, even if i breathe pressure instead of oxygen, work for 15 hours a day and even at my days off, and be haunted by deadlines in my dreams, and be an events specialist / kargador / messenger / crowd control / handler / flyering staff / editor / lagarista / writer / shock absorber / troubleshooter / f.d. / PR practitioner / alcoholic / etc / etc / etc all athe same time, im persistently being conscious about keeping my zeal, for this job is what ive prayed for and what other people envy of me. and it is but rare that someone gets to have a job where your bosses drag you for drinks during weekdays and eats a cheap but reliable 8 dirham meal with you.

among all the projects ive handled, so far this event im (we're all) prepping for is the most ambitious and has been causing me the most physical, mental, emotional, and social exhaustion. id rather not put reasons for my statement in to detail for i may never end. but this event is my baby. and my maternal instinct is just becoming so sheer, that i may have a heart ache when my baby would give up on me sooner or later.

the miranda hobbes in me

this is actually a sequel to the blogpost "the samantha jones in me". and oh yes, its the same infamous guy.

after all the funny bedtime stories i had to tell, i had a chance to get to know the guy a little more. he was an accountant. a specie who thrives on counting and organizing digits which is a far cry from what i do. a kapampangan, which i though of as an advantage coz we could revel on food having the same intemsity of liking over it anytime we want. he was 28, a very promising and crucial age for me. promising coz im assuming that at such age, he would have a broader perspective about love, life, and everything in between... crucial because if at such age, he can be still be childish and juvenile as a junior high kid, he's a scum. so it could be a make or break age kind of thing for me. and most of all, he was very persistent. and his persistence seemed almost like a deja vu for me, except that he went over being persistent and exceeded my expectations. and admittingly, i was flattered and overwhelmed. its been a while since a guy did such a big gesture for me. . call it evil but i liked the idea of him wooing me. not because im so into him but because, (yes you can strangle me with this revelation) it fed my ego. but to be fair to me, i told him i cant promise anything and that it would be better if we would just enjoy each others' company. but he just kept on going and i thought to just let him be, though often times i found it hard to make excuses and alibis when he he would ask me out.

until last night....

we were exchanging sms's, yoiu know the usual boring, predicatble, lame stuff.. "how was your day".. "im fine".. things like that. until this message was sent to me "nakita mo na ako diba, tell me how do you find me? sana nag-hi ka man lang". so i returned the message to him quoting the one he mistakenly sent me with "- wrong send". he said sorry after and explained. and i just replied "inaantok nako. ill text you tom". and this morning, he asked me thru text if im angry. i said "no, why should i be. i perfectly understand. but i guess this should re-validate my reason why we should stay as friends only. aside from me having so much to think about work, my friends, and family, i dont need someone who hasnt outgrown his pre-adolescent days yet".

he was telling me i can be his everything and and yet still can entertain someone else..

honey, this gay polygamy reminds me of my college queendom days. and im way ahead of it coz i am a already pro and

theres no way im turning back.

ill never stop being hopeful

krissy's "ode to the four people i had treasured the most"

it was really unfortunate that time, distance and misunderstanings brought us to where we are now. i know, we had hurt one another in very unexpected ways. i was really sorry for whatever i had done wrong. i think about that until now. i, we, had remained silent about everything. pretending nothing happened. letting each day pass as if a part of our life has been erased from our memories.

i admit i am not as sober as i can be. but honestly speaking, i could have never written this if i was. numerous people may think that i am transparent but a number would disagree to that.

yes, i am strong but to the people i treasure most i get hurt easily. i may pretend to shove it off my shoulder yet deep down i am bleeding. not that i am a hypocrite or anything, i would just like to weigh things, think about everything before i react.. and if i think it is not just, i would not dare crash.

this day, if i am not mistaken is close to the day when everything shattered upon us. yes, i am still aching. yes, i still do not know where to pick up the pieces.

if i am speaking vaguely it is beacause i just don't know where to start. maybe i should start by saying sorry and it was really unfortunate that such a great friendship could result to what we are now... strangers!

one by one i would like to address you guys. you may or may not read this or give a damn about this. i just want to share what i have been feeling about everything that happened as a closure to everything.


mai, thank you for being an amazing friend. i know we have metrics and metrics of differences but i really appreciate your effort in trying to understand me, my life, the changes i have gone through and the parts of our life that could never really ever ever meet. i really am speehless to your resilience as a friend. i try to return the favor in more ways that i can.

leah, i am happy to see that all your dreams are finally falling to place. we might have qualms about almost everything, we have been bestfriends to almost being strangers but rest assured that i pray for the best that could happen to your life as much as i can. again, value yourself the way we value you. we may sometimes think that we value ourselves enough but truth is we really don't, to the eyes of others.

ivy, the person who honestly have hurt me the most.. despite all that, i am also happy to see you having as much contentment as you have wanted. you have great friends that support you in whatever endeavors you take. i have valued what we had post this "silent war" days. i just really wished you had given me the same respect as i gave you. though, what i think was sufficient may be different from yours. you have other loyalties. i just hope you are now braver in facing your emotions as compared to before. you are precious the way you are, i know we have different ways of dealing with things and i respect your way. i have come into terms with that. i just wished it had not come to this point.

paullyne, the person i know least about. well, i heard that you are at present engaged.. congrats! frankly, i just wished before, that you knew how to listen to both sides before letting out reactions undue to each person. i wouldn't waste my time, telling you what really happened. you would remain deaf to it. i just feel the need to put it briefly. it was a joke misunderstood, that's it. i would have appreciated you asking me what really happened before all the commotion got out. remember that there are always two sides to a coin. one could have seen it in a way that the other did not.


people most often destroy themselves with the hatred they bear. i choose to be not one of them, that is the reason i wrote most of what i feel that i could translate into words in this soliloquy.

when all is said and done, we have lives of our own, separate from the life we together sought and grew with. i just hope all is well with you guys. be at peace and contented. it is not the life full of glamour

my music box

mail_for_ryan: language barrier is fun sometimes
mai bautista: not when it interferes my work
mail_for_ryan: true
mai bautista: alam mo ba na iahd 10k tickts printed for my concert on dec
mail_for_ryan: your concert?
mail_for_ryan: singer ka?
mai bautista: and itong tickets na ito eh kelangn tatakan sa dept of tourism isa isa.. and after weeks of meetings with world trade center , pagdating ko sa deot of tourism kanina mali ang tickets
mai bautista: bukas ang alis mo?
mai bautista: direcho cebu yan?
mail_for_ryan: tonight.
mail_for_ryan: 12:50
mail_for_ryan: OMG!
mail_for_ryan: so pano gagawin mo sa tix?
mai bautista: tinapon ko na
mai bautista: re-print!
mai bautista: revise muna pala tapos reprint
mail_for_ryan: that's worth how much?
mai bautista: 3k dhs
mai bautista: printing cost
mail_for_ryan: sheesh!
mail_for_ryan: i hope your bosses didn't take it out on you
mai bautista: hindi naman. dahil hindi ko kasalanan. pero nanghihina ako dahil dapat out na sya sa market this week
mai bautista: eh after printing, papa-tatakan pa lahat.. tapos i a-account tsaka ibebenta
mai bautista: gudluck
mai bautista: tue na now
mai bautista: off na sa fri
mail_for_ryan: so kelan na malalabas yan?
mai bautista: dapat this friday
mai bautista: tapos yung certification pa ng next movie dito na showing nov 1 & 2 pinapa attest pa sa pinas
mai bautista: so isang goodluck pa ulit
mail_for_ryan: ok lang yan
mail_for_ryan: it's issues like that that test your willpower and pressure capacity.
mail_for_ryan: and when u surpass them,
mail_for_ryan: walang ibang aani ng credit kundi ikaw.
mai bautista: i know.. kaya lang feeling ko kasi i dont meet their expectations.. kahit na hindi ko kasalanan, its my responsibiltiy pa din
mail_for_ryan: that in itself gives you credit.
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel that way.
mail_for_ryan: don't be bothered.
mail_for_ryan: it shows your reliable sense of responsibility.
mail_for_ryan: and thank oca nad rems for that
mai bautista: i know. pero kuya, alam mo naman din na sa ganitong klase ng trabaho.. effort isnt enough. we need results
mai bautista: good results
mai bautista: efficient results
mai bautista: and i fail to be efficient
mail_for_ryan: KUNG kasalanan mo.
mail_for_ryan: e hindi naman e.
mail_for_ryan: the effort you put into the whole fiasco is just making u a hero.
mail_for_ryan: if u fail, u don't really fail.
mail_for_ryan: u just don't become a hero.
mail_for_ryan: pero hindi kabawasan sa yo bilang empleyado.
mail_for_ryan: kumbaga,
mail_for_ryan: they're only expecting a 10 from u.
mail_for_ryan: u're already going out of your way to deliver a 15.
mail_for_ryan: if u don't meet that,
mail_for_ryan: ok pa rin.
mail_for_ryan: nasa 10 ka namn e.
mail_for_ryan: you're giving them just enough of what they need.
mai bautista: sana nga ganun. ewan ko basta i feel bad
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel pressured.
mail_for_ryan: embrace it.
mail_for_ryan: but not bad.
mail_for_ryan: embrace pressure because coping with pressure is a gift that not everyone has.
mail_for_ryan: others will commit suicide for this, you know!
mail_for_ryan: pero tayo...
mail_for_ryan: well... we managed to live and stay in a good school for more than 6 years nang walang inaasahang monthly income.
mail_for_ryan: we're fit for this.
mail_for_ryan:
mail_for_ryan: and we not only cope, mind you.
mail_for_ryan: we have poise, panache and elan under extreme pressure!
mai bautista: im trying hard

masochism is what one is left with

"i count him braver who overcomes his desires, than him who conquers his enemies. for the hardest victory is the victory over himslef".

ang hirap kalabanin ang sarili. pero wala naman choice. so its either mahirapan ka or you give up. and like i said, giving up is not a choice.

(and then a thought...)

egg sandwich!

eat when you cant write. and everything will be fine.

right now... right this very minute.. i wanna write about something. but i cant coz if i do, he'd have a hint that its him im talking about. and metaphors and disguises wont do.

so, this leaves me another option.. eat. and let this inspration of writing pass.

the samantha jones in me

last night was very sex and the city. and i deserved and emmy for that.

two hours after arriving home from work, a greek-godly physique with a peasant's face was at my doorstep. and when i opened the door for him, his first statement was "ang layo pala nito. here's your oreo mcflurry." and i had to tell him that the cab driver wouldve probably taken a different route from his place to mine. thats why it had to take 40 bucks out from his pocket and an exchange of gibberish and gramatically and politically incorrect speeches with the southern indian cab driver.

then we talked and talked over my cup of mcflurry and his green salad. and the next thing i knew was, his lips were the ones i was already nibbling instead of the spoon i was using (call that a mannerism).

and in an effort to cut the long story short, we were in bed. and the smell of promiscuity was very sheer.

and then the funny parts...

he was busy spotting my weak points in my neck while telling me how much he liked me eversince. even when we werent formally introduced yet and all he had were glimpses of a drunken me at the bar almost every weekend.. (oh yes im self-absorbed!) and then he blurted out while doing his thing "i wanna know you more. can we have dinner? i think you'll be perfect for me." and my slip of the tongue "Oh my god!" and what i meant was "honey, wake up and smell the coffee". but i was moaning while saying that so i assumed he thought i liked his idea.

and then he wanted to get inside of me very badly his tongue reflexes had made my body succumb to his desires.. almost! i said no.. and then he blabbed "ok ill respect what you want. i dont want you to get hurt", with his both hands palmed on my cheeks. and i told him "just kiss me" where i think he interpreted it as something like "aww.. he respects me" when i meant "lets just have fun".

and i was late for a morning engagement with one of the suppliers for my december event. and on my way back to work.. his sms was "I really had a great time with you last nyt, ewan ko ba if wut im feeln ryt now is ryt bec i think im missin you already. how about tonight?" sabi ko.. "may prob si bec eh. she wants the four of us (ivy, leah, bec, and me) to talk. ill let you know."

it was quite rude. but it was hilarious. blame it on my penchant for sex and the city. its sensibility and humor has gotten into my system already. and that was fabulous..

Remake of 80's Classic - "The Working Girls"

isa sa mga pinoy classic movies na super love ko at tawang-tawa ako ay "The Working Girls". Eto na sila after almost 2 decades.. Hehe.

(Clockwise starting at 12 of the clock)

1. Si Shelie - na-chugi sa huling trabaho kung saan sya ay isang boss, or nag fi-feeling boss na papasok an hour late at magbabasa pa ng dyaryo sa reception habang nagpapatimpla ng kape sa Nepali na office boy. Ngayon.. isa na syang OB-GYNE. :)

2. Si Leah - siya si Ms. London. FA ng isang airline company na nag re-recuperate pa lang sa galit at pagka-suklam sa isang Ehiptong pokpok. Tawag sa kanya ng kanyang bahay-alak ay "Madam".

3. Si Mai - Siya ang may attitude problem sa kanilang lahat. Siya ang kanang kamay ng landlady nilang si Ivy. Isa syang events planner-slash-messenger-slash-kargador-slash-shock-absorber sa opisina. Minsa'y naging istokwa din siya.

4. Si Jay - Little Ms. Philippines. Baklang may lovelife na nagpapatuyo ng sabon sa mukha pag day-off. Siya ang reyna ng isa sa mga pinakamalaking designer boutique sa mundo. Ka-level ng Monakiki sa Pinas.

5. Si Mitch - ang escort ng Little Ms. Philippines. Shy and coy ang drama sa umpisa pero binabawi sa paghilik sa pagtulog. He can rock your world pag natulog kayo sa isang kwarto! Siya ang prinsesa ng Palm Jumeirah.

6. Si Ivy - Siya ang landlady na buong pusong tinatanggap ang kanyang role sa bahay. Kahit sa pagtulog ay alam nyang overcooked ang pasta o merong hindi nagsara ng toilet seat. Mdami din syang reklamo sa buhay. Bet sya ng boss nyang mayaman na matanda.

7. Si Bec - wala sya sa litrato kaya wag mo na sya hanapin. pero nakabukas ang mata nya pag natutulog. ganunpaman, ibang level ang mga ka-date nya sa pinas. kaya naman pinilit nyang magka sore eyes kesehodang ikabulag nya ang pabangong in-spray nya sa mata nya. isa din syang FA. siya ang Ms. Philippines.

Eto sila. Sa mata ng karamihan ay puro lang saya. Sa iba naman ay mga kabataang pariwara. Pero ang hindi nila alam ... madami pa silang hindi alam.

(ang larawan ay kuha sa Irish Village na ngayon ay Century Village na.. dinner-dinneran lang after work with shisha on the side. )

mai = attitude problem

i was at my fave place in our flat - kitchen, doing my usual chores which i deem therapeutic, when suddenly catharsis took place. i told my other fabulous gay friend Jay ( who stays at our place every weekends with shelie and mitch ), I think im becoming more of like someone I used to be nonchalant with.. my mom. I realized how obsessive-compulsive I can be and how meticulous I can get with how things get done at home - laundry, cooking, dishes, everything. And now I know how annoying it could be when youve told someone how to deal with houesehold chores and all they say is yes without even absorbing what and why I told them such. And I love the way I am now.. and I love my mom for being the nagger that she was.

oh how I miss remi. and when i get back to murphy, Id love to hear her scream at the top of her lungs again and wake me up at 1 in the afternoon.

and maybe, just like this realization im having now, when im gone and far away with the people im now with, they'll be ablt to appreciate the "attitude problem" theyve branded me with.

AP ba ako?!

still in love.. and still cant. how's that?

my friendster shout out has been creating too much stir with my friends. sabi nila, "go ahead and keep telling that to yourself", and yes i am. out of the 5 things that would make me happy.. namely family, friends, career, myself & god, and love.. i have 4 of them and that should be enough. maybe i am convincing myself at one point there, they're right about that. and thats because i feel stupid for feeling inadequate. having the majority of the things i want to covet, thats more than life being fair. and it is but selfish to ask for everything.

but this time it hits me. i feel alone. its almost a bingo. and thats the sad thing.. its just almost. im the type who would think of romance as the least thing the one should be worrying about. and for the longest time.. that has been my predicament. not until me and uhmmm.. errr.. "J" have opened our communication lines open. we've been friends since the heartbreaking, world-rocking, and mind-splitting break up, but its just recently (and when i say recent meaning last night) we have affirmed to each other our love. love that hasnt died yet and is now becoming more palpable. and it pains me that theres nothing realistic i could do about what we both feel now. at the same time, i feel guilty for always being cynical when he says he misses me and how ive become a part of his life.. that he couldnt jump into another relationship because he stll loves me. it hurts that despite the mutual feelings we have towards our situation and towards each other, theres nothing else we could do but just wait for years for us to be together again. shit. sabi ko kay lord gusto ko na ma-in love ulit. and i am.. with the same person. sana pala sinabi ko din sa kanya na gusto kong ma-in love and i wanna be with him at the same time.. maybe things wouldve been less complicated....

but i told him we better move on and forget what we feel for each other. coz it wont help us both in any way. he's pursuing his life and career now, and i have just started pulling off my tracks.. and we just cant simply be together. we better go on with who we are now individually. and yes, its hard. but i have to.. and he has to as well. fuck love.

mga lalaki sa buhay ni ryan omar

unconventionally, i grew up with the company of straights (both boys and girls). i would have gay friends but we werent really in just one clique. i started smoking and drinking and playing billiards (which now is very strange thing for me to do) with my guys. and the fun they showed me fed my masculinity, in a broader sense of the word. unapologetic, carefree, fast-paced, risky, and experimental. just like my bitches, these guys have been with me since the time i was wearing my socks knee-length tp pair with my nicely pressed khaki shorts and patched polo. for most of my pre-adolescent life, they have have served as my shock-absorber, they can neutralize the intensity of my drama queen tendencies at times of my melancholy. they were like my big kuyas everytime some other pathetic straight guys would manifest their illogical uhmmm.. call it homophobia. they were there to bug me at home whenever they wanted to have breakfast after their "boys night-out". they were there to screen the guys i was dating. they were there to assay guy stuff whenever my bitches freak out and perceive men to be from mars. they were there. they have always been there. and im missing them so much and it hurts to be away from them. i love my guys. and i dunno what else to say.

good morning sweet pea

i woke up smiling today. and im not pretty sure why i did. i could blame it on having a complete 8 hours of dead sleeping, or maybe because of the fact that its payday today and not to mention its the end of the work week.. i dunno. but whatever the reason could be, i wouldnt even care less.. im just happy. and im gonna savor this moment for i have been feeling the mediocrity of my life for the past weeks and hell, i deserve a break!!

so fuck off anyone who would ruin my day.. today im gonna be fabulous!

...

this is one of those nights that im really apprehensive of..

a lot of times, i would catch myself wanting to write about this matter but i would eventually keep myself from doing so because i feel its nothing serious compared to the really matter of life and death problems of the universe, that even before the act of writing about it, just the mere thought of singlehood and romance annoys me. it annoys me in a way that i know i shouldnt be thinking about this. annoying because i know that even if im not blessed now with a better half, im truly one of god's most favored children because of the magnanimous blessings ive received from him. annoying because i myself abhor people who whine and let themselves be overpowered by the "sadness" they feel because theyre single.

but tonight, i just couldnt handle it anymore. i feel lonely and sad. no man to kiss me goodnight, no guy to pat my back and say i did a great job at work, no boy to walk with me on the shoreline, no man who could handle my mood swings, no boy i could go to the grocery and cook for, no guy who would tell me i look divine even if im wasted, no boyfriend whom i could nag and be demanding with, no guy who could handle the wits and uniqueness of my friends, kuya, and mama, no boyfriend who will watch and critique theater plays with, no guy who could just be lazy with the whole day, no guy i could talk to about nothingness, no man who could appreciate my perfect me because of my flaws.

i know there's an ocean of male species outside my shell, but i dont want just anyone else. i want someone. i want the one. and i dunno how i could find him. i dont know how he could find me, for i am too busy... too busy working my ass off at work so the feeling i have now that i have been suppressing and being rational about would just drown to oblivion.

ill be better tomorrow.

P.S.

if this entry would create conclusions, please spare me the "you will find the one" or "your right time will come" statements. i know that very well. im just sad right now and thats just about it. i will never be childish about this.

there's something about my nilagang baka.

so finally, im joining the bandwagon as how kuya would put it.

he was very pushy with me reviving my blog and creating a multiply account. but for the longest time i was hesitant, for im the type who would want least maintenance of my stuff and i just have more gthan enough personal and work-related accounts to sign in to, reply to messages, and log out for the next day's the same cycle.

and in this cosmopolitan ennui in the gulf they refer to as Dubai, the Arabs are more hypocritically disturbed than some Filipinos (whether way back home or anywhere in the globe). They block sites that for them can alter their traditions and customs. Oh well.. maybe thats wny many locals are being put to the justice hall because of sexual harrassment et al. And Multiply is yes ladies and gents.. blocked. I emailed Etisalat ( a govt subsidized mobile and isp company) and aired my thoughts and rantings> unexpectedly, the webamster was polite enough to reply promptly but he said they couldnt unblock the site for it was tagged as a "dating" site. And just like that, i gave up.

Funny thing is, the only way that I could access Multiply is if I Im in the office and due to the incredulous work sched i have, i couldnt log in to it, and because i want a blog entry to finally launch it which apparently i cant do, my multiply's opening salvo has been on hold for three weeks now... and just a few moments later, while cooking nilagang baka for lunch did i only realize that theres this technology which enables blogger to export blog entries to my multiply.. and hence... im writing this long narrative.

am i writing too much about nothingness.?! maybe this would leave people hanging with what ive been telling them about my "grand launch". i leave the objectivity to my reader/s. but what the heck! i missed writing and i missed my old self. because as how madonna would sing it... "this used to be my playground".