human nature

i may not really doubt my feelings now, but what im really not sure of is if i can still stay longer like this. can i still manage to be happy with where i am now. as what ive always been telling myself and to the world.. i understand... totally. but whats scaring me is that it seems its just a one way process now.. or perhaps im just asking too much.. that i am again forgetting those little acts of love and concern...but whats scaring me more is him not being able to understand and instead of doing something to keep something so important to him, he'll just let go... because he believes that in such way could only prevent some other problems. i believe in that too sometimes.. but different ailments needs different treatments. this could destroy or bring much more improvement on our relationship. i know he'll be able to read this. i am not sure if he'll be happy with the thought of me writing this down instead of telling him directly... uhmm, have i not? or should this thing be told because as far as i know, u must know what someone needs from you too, especially when u say you love him. leah said im just missing him. and because he cant call me nor text (which im sure has reasons whether valid or not). i m frustrated, because he would be the person i would want to run to now... now that i am again in a not so lovely state. he is the person i would want to talk to unload my baggages. he is the first person i would want to break the news with that ill be working soon. but he's too busy. busy for important things i know are essential..that he barely has the time for me. but i again understand. but i hope he knows whats the bottom line of all of these.. and of all of the things we've argued about. i am not even trying to wash my hands for i had my share of shit too, but in whatever aspect you look at it.. he could only be the person who could change things.... but i know he's not yet ready. and i again understand. i hope the lord will give me much more strength to endure these.. for i have my needs too.. and more optimism that soon, he'll come to realize that i have been staying with him for so long already despite all the negative things that happened and that i am very musch willing to stay longer. i am human, i need to be loved, is that too much to ask from you?

suddenly...

despite the pressure of me needing to be employed as soon as possible.. i wasnt very much worried like before (when i first experienced how it was to become a bum). perhaps what time has generously taught me for the past two years or so, has hepled me a lot cope thru my changing needs and issues in life... the sun shines after the rain. i have laid all my plans and wants and needs to the lord, (i may not be a practicing catholic but i do have a nice relationship with Him). i told Him its all up to Him now. i have resolved my issues about working for a call center again and even trying to get in to the cruise ship industry which mari, a friend from ccp has offered to me. i am ready to work. armed with so much hope and enthusiasm, i have started making things happen. but the lord is so so good.. He has given me so many more options.. now i got a project in angeles, pampanga. its the lova palooza. and also another one which i intend not to mention for the mean time for the purpose of not jeopardizing it. thanks so much to the people who have continuously helped me. their unconditional generosity has changed me in a way or two. thanks thanks... *smooches* now, i wont be wearing my pyjamas all day long anymore.Ü

on wearing my pyjamas the whole day..

up by 3pm... had lunch... i had rice and kuya's salpicao. and then i cleaned the house.. and then i took a bath.... then i played my mariah cd... then i bought dinner... of copurse i ate again.. then i took a shower again so as to be able to put on body oil ( i luv this).... then i watched some lousy kapamilya shows... then i had dinner again.... then i talked to my baby (he's now recuperating.. thank god)..... then i am now online. see, there are so may things to do when you have nothing else important to do. and this is what you call.... a bum star's life. (but this wont be long). Ü

to help you in deciphering the crabbed star

Red 2x4 brick

You're the average red 2x4 that people always reach
for first whenever they are making a house.
Everyone has tons of you, yet for some reason
almost no one can manage to make an entirely
red house.


What Lego piece are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you know you have loved when you lost the one

i woke up and u were the first thing on my mind. while still in bed, i looked on my other side and only petipa was there. its been a week. where have you gone? i hold u liable for mom's sickness.she would be looking for you everywhere and calling out your name every night worried for you might not have eaten yet.i want to cuddle you and carry you in my arms once again. you have made me believe i am understood when i was gloomy. you listened when i had no one to talk to. your meow is more than enough to make me smile whenever i come home tired and restless. i miss you baby queenie. please come back. tell me we havent lost you yet. we are just waiting for you to come back home. :(

one of the few stolen moments..

*while listening to till they take my heart away (i wuv u baby) just like any other plans of meeting we had before, i wasnt expectant. my baby had all the reasons, valid though (i want to believe). in fairness, i had my share of stuff too for the jeopardy of our dates.Ü going back last night, i was flabbergasted upon hearing him say "i need to sleep. ayokong may eye bags ako pag nakita kita tom." so did the clock strike its time to prepare. i was very excited. i was in galleria 10:45 since he said he'll be waiting for me in between 10:30-11am. and so, i texted him saying i was there already. and he said he'll be there in no time. so i strolled.... and strolled... and window-shopped.. and strolled again. until i realized it was already 12. i was starting to get annoyed.. rather i was really ANNOYED. i dont want to be kept waiting. and he arrived. and i was still annoyed.. on the verge of blabbing, but i had self-control. s0 went to fix salon, just what our main agenda was. i said to the counter girl that jonas' hair (okay, nasabi ko na name nya.) be done by leo, my stylist. i seated next to him as i browsed on a mag and more oftenly checked on him.. manipis pala buhok nya, i realized. anyway, i was praying his do turns alrighty... he trusted me to let his crowning glory be cut.. SHORT. and so it did turn out not just okay but.. PERFECT. i giggled. kinilig ako. ang pogi ng baby ko lalo. he now looks 10 years fresher. and then, he wasnt really feeling comfy. di daw sya sanay. parang mataas daw masyado ung buhok nya. mukha daw sya punk. he was worried that his friends might make fun of him. he was worried that he might not be able to fix it on a daily basis. then i shared to him my hair regimen, since ive been keeping this kind of do since hi school, so i should say im no longer an abecedarian on self-hair styling. then we had lunch. im not really sure, but people were looking at us. he was beginning to be touchy and cheezy. kaya kinilig ako lalo.Ü then we headed to the bus stop. he went to his class and i fetched leah in school. he was really sweet while we were on our way. the people were secretly looking i knew. but i tried not to mind kasi sasabihin nanaman nya na kinakahiya ko siya.we exchanged our bags. my green sling bag is with him now and im using his black backpack (sabi pa ni leah jonas subconsciously knew that i needed a bigger one kasi i had to bring home her gifts for mom) i was quite ranting for there was no traffic, so sandali ko lng sya makakatabi... sigh, then he went down to bustillos and i told him to take a pedicab going to uste. then i met up with leah already. while with leah, i just couldnt get enough of how jonas looks now. so breathtaking. now better than brent.... far more better. *now singing "when can i see you again"

brand me

i panic most of the time when someone asks me if im single or not. i have this ongoing relationship with sanjo (thats not his real name for purposes of disguise since he's not out). weve known each other for more than a year i think.. but it was only six months ago that we started knowing each other and estimatedly 2 months of loving each other. the thing is, he has a girlfriend who said "yes" to him without sanjo asking. and now they are together. his friendster and blog and his fone are bombarded with the girl's presence, though i know its all a big shit. sanjo loves me. ( argue not., im over the phase of doubting. ive reconciled my issues already). we may not have the luxury of time to be together but its really no biggie. its quite a complicated story. perhaps on my next entries ill be able to assay that. sanjo loves me. i love him too. he has a girl he doesnt love. i existed already long before something wenton between the two of them. i am illegal technically, relationaship-wise because we're not officially together. what am i now? a mistress? a relationaship-wrecker? maybe not on the rebound... labels.... why do we give so much fuss about them? why am i so bothered? what am i now?

mai is crabbed?!

kuya thinks a crabbed star is a starlet who got crabs because of sleeping too much with others. its made sense i think..... but no. according to mr webster.......... crabbed - (adj) morose ; hard to decipher - and that is me. more oftenly misunderstood. hard to understand star - (n) a celestial body ; heavenly ; sparkling ; illuminating - do i need to explain further?Ü mai is a crabbed star.

and now im a blogger

it took me more than 2 hours to create this account. i thought this blogspot is as user-friendly as friendster.. but it isnt. thanks to kuya who painstakingly assisted me. or im not sure, am i just that computer illiterate that i find it hard to follow the "how to" stuff? anyway... the reason why i put up this account is because i viewed baby jo's tabula/s?.... and i was startled by its content.. since i am fond of doing things that would say something about myself ( i have a friendster, myspace, connexion, and hi5 account) i decided to hit that url address of blogspot (which kuya suggested) and voila. perfect. i just hope i would be able to sustain this. i just have a few queries... uhmmm... do i write here to tell the world what my whereabouts are or its just my thoughts about socially relevant things that would count? do i get to meet people here too? can i just write about anything i feel like writing?.. even profanity and promiscuity... is it okay to be just myself ( mushy, sometimes stupid, more oftenly bitchy aND eternally fab? Ü). uhmmm... i dont expect an answer. alrighty then. ill just write what my thoughts are candidly. besides its my space. geesh im a blogger. Ü do i make sense?