my music box

mail_for_ryan: language barrier is fun sometimes
mai bautista: not when it interferes my work
mail_for_ryan: true
mai bautista: alam mo ba na iahd 10k tickts printed for my concert on dec
mail_for_ryan: your concert?
mail_for_ryan: singer ka?
mai bautista: and itong tickets na ito eh kelangn tatakan sa dept of tourism isa isa.. and after weeks of meetings with world trade center , pagdating ko sa deot of tourism kanina mali ang tickets
mai bautista: bukas ang alis mo?
mai bautista: direcho cebu yan?
mail_for_ryan: tonight.
mail_for_ryan: 12:50
mail_for_ryan: OMG!
mail_for_ryan: so pano gagawin mo sa tix?
mai bautista: tinapon ko na
mai bautista: re-print!
mai bautista: revise muna pala tapos reprint
mail_for_ryan: that's worth how much?
mai bautista: 3k dhs
mai bautista: printing cost
mail_for_ryan: sheesh!
mail_for_ryan: i hope your bosses didn't take it out on you
mai bautista: hindi naman. dahil hindi ko kasalanan. pero nanghihina ako dahil dapat out na sya sa market this week
mai bautista: eh after printing, papa-tatakan pa lahat.. tapos i a-account tsaka ibebenta
mai bautista: gudluck
mai bautista: tue na now
mai bautista: off na sa fri
mail_for_ryan: so kelan na malalabas yan?
mai bautista: dapat this friday
mai bautista: tapos yung certification pa ng next movie dito na showing nov 1 & 2 pinapa attest pa sa pinas
mai bautista: so isang goodluck pa ulit
mail_for_ryan: ok lang yan
mail_for_ryan: it's issues like that that test your willpower and pressure capacity.
mail_for_ryan: and when u surpass them,
mail_for_ryan: walang ibang aani ng credit kundi ikaw.
mai bautista: i know.. kaya lang feeling ko kasi i dont meet their expectations.. kahit na hindi ko kasalanan, its my responsibiltiy pa din
mail_for_ryan: that in itself gives you credit.
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel that way.
mail_for_ryan: don't be bothered.
mail_for_ryan: it shows your reliable sense of responsibility.
mail_for_ryan: and thank oca nad rems for that
mai bautista: i know. pero kuya, alam mo naman din na sa ganitong klase ng trabaho.. effort isnt enough. we need results
mai bautista: good results
mai bautista: efficient results
mai bautista: and i fail to be efficient
mail_for_ryan: KUNG kasalanan mo.
mail_for_ryan: e hindi naman e.
mail_for_ryan: the effort you put into the whole fiasco is just making u a hero.
mail_for_ryan: if u fail, u don't really fail.
mail_for_ryan: u just don't become a hero.
mail_for_ryan: pero hindi kabawasan sa yo bilang empleyado.
mail_for_ryan: kumbaga,
mail_for_ryan: they're only expecting a 10 from u.
mail_for_ryan: u're already going out of your way to deliver a 15.
mail_for_ryan: if u don't meet that,
mail_for_ryan: ok pa rin.
mail_for_ryan: nasa 10 ka namn e.
mail_for_ryan: you're giving them just enough of what they need.
mai bautista: sana nga ganun. ewan ko basta i feel bad
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel pressured.
mail_for_ryan: embrace it.
mail_for_ryan: but not bad.
mail_for_ryan: embrace pressure because coping with pressure is a gift that not everyone has.
mail_for_ryan: others will commit suicide for this, you know!
mail_for_ryan: pero tayo...
mail_for_ryan: well... we managed to live and stay in a good school for more than 6 years nang walang inaasahang monthly income.
mail_for_ryan: we're fit for this.
mail_for_ryan:
mail_for_ryan: and we not only cope, mind you.
mail_for_ryan: we have poise, panache and elan under extreme pressure!
mai bautista: im trying hard

masochism is what one is left with

"i count him braver who overcomes his desires, than him who conquers his enemies. for the hardest victory is the victory over himslef".

ang hirap kalabanin ang sarili. pero wala naman choice. so its either mahirapan ka or you give up. and like i said, giving up is not a choice.

(and then a thought...)

egg sandwich!

eat when you cant write. and everything will be fine.

right now... right this very minute.. i wanna write about something. but i cant coz if i do, he'd have a hint that its him im talking about. and metaphors and disguises wont do.

so, this leaves me another option.. eat. and let this inspration of writing pass.

the samantha jones in me

last night was very sex and the city. and i deserved and emmy for that.

two hours after arriving home from work, a greek-godly physique with a peasant's face was at my doorstep. and when i opened the door for him, his first statement was "ang layo pala nito. here's your oreo mcflurry." and i had to tell him that the cab driver wouldve probably taken a different route from his place to mine. thats why it had to take 40 bucks out from his pocket and an exchange of gibberish and gramatically and politically incorrect speeches with the southern indian cab driver.

then we talked and talked over my cup of mcflurry and his green salad. and the next thing i knew was, his lips were the ones i was already nibbling instead of the spoon i was using (call that a mannerism).

and in an effort to cut the long story short, we were in bed. and the smell of promiscuity was very sheer.

and then the funny parts...

he was busy spotting my weak points in my neck while telling me how much he liked me eversince. even when we werent formally introduced yet and all he had were glimpses of a drunken me at the bar almost every weekend.. (oh yes im self-absorbed!) and then he blurted out while doing his thing "i wanna know you more. can we have dinner? i think you'll be perfect for me." and my slip of the tongue "Oh my god!" and what i meant was "honey, wake up and smell the coffee". but i was moaning while saying that so i assumed he thought i liked his idea.

and then he wanted to get inside of me very badly his tongue reflexes had made my body succumb to his desires.. almost! i said no.. and then he blabbed "ok ill respect what you want. i dont want you to get hurt", with his both hands palmed on my cheeks. and i told him "just kiss me" where i think he interpreted it as something like "aww.. he respects me" when i meant "lets just have fun".

and i was late for a morning engagement with one of the suppliers for my december event. and on my way back to work.. his sms was "I really had a great time with you last nyt, ewan ko ba if wut im feeln ryt now is ryt bec i think im missin you already. how about tonight?" sabi ko.. "may prob si bec eh. she wants the four of us (ivy, leah, bec, and me) to talk. ill let you know."

it was quite rude. but it was hilarious. blame it on my penchant for sex and the city. its sensibility and humor has gotten into my system already. and that was fabulous..

Remake of 80's Classic - "The Working Girls"

isa sa mga pinoy classic movies na super love ko at tawang-tawa ako ay "The Working Girls". Eto na sila after almost 2 decades.. Hehe.

(Clockwise starting at 12 of the clock)

1. Si Shelie - na-chugi sa huling trabaho kung saan sya ay isang boss, or nag fi-feeling boss na papasok an hour late at magbabasa pa ng dyaryo sa reception habang nagpapatimpla ng kape sa Nepali na office boy. Ngayon.. isa na syang OB-GYNE. :)

2. Si Leah - siya si Ms. London. FA ng isang airline company na nag re-recuperate pa lang sa galit at pagka-suklam sa isang Ehiptong pokpok. Tawag sa kanya ng kanyang bahay-alak ay "Madam".

3. Si Mai - Siya ang may attitude problem sa kanilang lahat. Siya ang kanang kamay ng landlady nilang si Ivy. Isa syang events planner-slash-messenger-slash-kargador-slash-shock-absorber sa opisina. Minsa'y naging istokwa din siya.

4. Si Jay - Little Ms. Philippines. Baklang may lovelife na nagpapatuyo ng sabon sa mukha pag day-off. Siya ang reyna ng isa sa mga pinakamalaking designer boutique sa mundo. Ka-level ng Monakiki sa Pinas.

5. Si Mitch - ang escort ng Little Ms. Philippines. Shy and coy ang drama sa umpisa pero binabawi sa paghilik sa pagtulog. He can rock your world pag natulog kayo sa isang kwarto! Siya ang prinsesa ng Palm Jumeirah.

6. Si Ivy - Siya ang landlady na buong pusong tinatanggap ang kanyang role sa bahay. Kahit sa pagtulog ay alam nyang overcooked ang pasta o merong hindi nagsara ng toilet seat. Mdami din syang reklamo sa buhay. Bet sya ng boss nyang mayaman na matanda.

7. Si Bec - wala sya sa litrato kaya wag mo na sya hanapin. pero nakabukas ang mata nya pag natutulog. ganunpaman, ibang level ang mga ka-date nya sa pinas. kaya naman pinilit nyang magka sore eyes kesehodang ikabulag nya ang pabangong in-spray nya sa mata nya. isa din syang FA. siya ang Ms. Philippines.

Eto sila. Sa mata ng karamihan ay puro lang saya. Sa iba naman ay mga kabataang pariwara. Pero ang hindi nila alam ... madami pa silang hindi alam.

(ang larawan ay kuha sa Irish Village na ngayon ay Century Village na.. dinner-dinneran lang after work with shisha on the side. )

mai = attitude problem

i was at my fave place in our flat - kitchen, doing my usual chores which i deem therapeutic, when suddenly catharsis took place. i told my other fabulous gay friend Jay ( who stays at our place every weekends with shelie and mitch ), I think im becoming more of like someone I used to be nonchalant with.. my mom. I realized how obsessive-compulsive I can be and how meticulous I can get with how things get done at home - laundry, cooking, dishes, everything. And now I know how annoying it could be when youve told someone how to deal with houesehold chores and all they say is yes without even absorbing what and why I told them such. And I love the way I am now.. and I love my mom for being the nagger that she was.

oh how I miss remi. and when i get back to murphy, Id love to hear her scream at the top of her lungs again and wake me up at 1 in the afternoon.

and maybe, just like this realization im having now, when im gone and far away with the people im now with, they'll be ablt to appreciate the "attitude problem" theyve branded me with.

AP ba ako?!

still in love.. and still cant. how's that?

my friendster shout out has been creating too much stir with my friends. sabi nila, "go ahead and keep telling that to yourself", and yes i am. out of the 5 things that would make me happy.. namely family, friends, career, myself & god, and love.. i have 4 of them and that should be enough. maybe i am convincing myself at one point there, they're right about that. and thats because i feel stupid for feeling inadequate. having the majority of the things i want to covet, thats more than life being fair. and it is but selfish to ask for everything.

but this time it hits me. i feel alone. its almost a bingo. and thats the sad thing.. its just almost. im the type who would think of romance as the least thing the one should be worrying about. and for the longest time.. that has been my predicament. not until me and uhmmm.. errr.. "J" have opened our communication lines open. we've been friends since the heartbreaking, world-rocking, and mind-splitting break up, but its just recently (and when i say recent meaning last night) we have affirmed to each other our love. love that hasnt died yet and is now becoming more palpable. and it pains me that theres nothing realistic i could do about what we both feel now. at the same time, i feel guilty for always being cynical when he says he misses me and how ive become a part of his life.. that he couldnt jump into another relationship because he stll loves me. it hurts that despite the mutual feelings we have towards our situation and towards each other, theres nothing else we could do but just wait for years for us to be together again. shit. sabi ko kay lord gusto ko na ma-in love ulit. and i am.. with the same person. sana pala sinabi ko din sa kanya na gusto kong ma-in love and i wanna be with him at the same time.. maybe things wouldve been less complicated....

but i told him we better move on and forget what we feel for each other. coz it wont help us both in any way. he's pursuing his life and career now, and i have just started pulling off my tracks.. and we just cant simply be together. we better go on with who we are now individually. and yes, its hard. but i have to.. and he has to as well. fuck love.