Ive kept my silence these past few weeks because the last thing I would want to occur is for the flame to be more fueled. I dont want to create an uproar with what seems to be a performing artist waiting for his light as his cue to start a gala. So as to become more objective, let me take each issue point by point. (pardon the incoherence should you see a lot of them. i myslef cannot put the pieces together).
1. After the South Boy, the Engr. was the only guy I was really in to. Uberly smart, focused, independent. His philosophy do not conform with the norms, but do not necessarily make him a deviant. He smelled good sans parfum and charming sans the trendy get-ups. Very much liked by my friends which was a very very big plus for me.. and above all... he can make me shut up and think before I utter any word that would support the world's claim of me being bitchy and irrational. But things were more complex than what most people think. He has someone in Manila, and he has priorities that are too formidable... too formidable that no one can ever make him get off his tracks to make him not attend to these. I respected that. Moreover, maybe the guy wasnt that in to me. And if he really wasnt, I would take that as a blessing in disguise because that was the faculty that made me realize that i cant be with someone who takes his relationships for granted. My relationships with my family, friends, myself, and with my partner (given the chance for me to have one) are what would make up Mai as a whole. Without them, I'll be oblivious. I miss him though and its just too pathetic to miss someone who I think doesnt even think of me even for the slightest minute. Ergo, I am pathetic because I miss the persona I saw in him. I fell for who he was and will fall again for the same character and not the person necessarily. As how Lea would put it.. " I remember the boy, but I dont remember the feeling anymore..".
2. I want THE relationship. Putting emphasis on the "THE" because I know that there is only one kind of relationship that I want and am looking for. I am in love with this idealism and not with just any superficially attractive guy who knows nothing else but to flash his beaming smile and machismo, mindless if he affixes "a's" with nouns starting with vowels and if he writes paragraphs with all the sentences starting with "actually". I know this desire is still far fetched. So Im taking my time.
3. On the other hand, I think I dont wanna get committed yet. I have soooo many things to accomplish that I even barely have the time to get a complete bed rest every night. I value my freedom and my space. I have a very promising career ahead of me, and a lot of people to share my precious time with. At which time of the day and days of the week will i give up if someone comes along?.. I can not provide answers as of now, which leads me to point 4...
4. I know how to have fun. Ive mastered this game as early as my tertiary days. I may not be as provocative as before (blame it on age and experience) but I still find physical pleasure once every blue moon. ...
Last night, the moon was blue. I had fun of course, but I think I ended waking up miserable this morning for a reason Im not aware of.
Now.. this is my dilemma. I dont know what I want. And I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I hate being left clueless, and confused. I can take a big blow of depression because I know where to get my armor from. But when Im uncertain, I dont know where to go. I dont know which part of me should be laboring night and day. And I hate that feeling.... Did I say I hate the feeling of being uncertain?!..
As how Dr. Meredith Grey blabbed..
"Too often the thing you want the most is the thing that you cant have. Desire leaves us heart broken.. it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who dont know what they want"
I cant be confused for a long time because I will be caught off guard by circumstances that may come. I need to think. I need to poke my intuitions. I need something to warm up.
A glass or two of vodka perhaps. Tonight.
