still in love.. and still cant. how's that?

my friendster shout out has been creating too much stir with my friends. sabi nila, "go ahead and keep telling that to yourself", and yes i am. out of the 5 things that would make me happy.. namely family, friends, career, myself & god, and love.. i have 4 of them and that should be enough. maybe i am convincing myself at one point there, they're right about that. and thats because i feel stupid for feeling inadequate. having the majority of the things i want to covet, thats more than life being fair. and it is but selfish to ask for everything.

but this time it hits me. i feel alone. its almost a bingo. and thats the sad thing.. its just almost. im the type who would think of romance as the least thing the one should be worrying about. and for the longest time.. that has been my predicament. not until me and uhmmm.. errr.. "J" have opened our communication lines open. we've been friends since the heartbreaking, world-rocking, and mind-splitting break up, but its just recently (and when i say recent meaning last night) we have affirmed to each other our love. love that hasnt died yet and is now becoming more palpable. and it pains me that theres nothing realistic i could do about what we both feel now. at the same time, i feel guilty for always being cynical when he says he misses me and how ive become a part of his life.. that he couldnt jump into another relationship because he stll loves me. it hurts that despite the mutual feelings we have towards our situation and towards each other, theres nothing else we could do but just wait for years for us to be together again. shit. sabi ko kay lord gusto ko na ma-in love ulit. and i am.. with the same person. sana pala sinabi ko din sa kanya na gusto kong ma-in love and i wanna be with him at the same time.. maybe things wouldve been less complicated....

but i told him we better move on and forget what we feel for each other. coz it wont help us both in any way. he's pursuing his life and career now, and i have just started pulling off my tracks.. and we just cant simply be together. we better go on with who we are now individually. and yes, its hard. but i have to.. and he has to as well. fuck love.