Talk About Billing..

from FESTIVAL HIGHLIGHTS, November 2008 Ish.

04/07/2008 10:13 am

It’s nice to know….

It’s nice to know that someone cares…
Even if the sun doesn’t shine on me... it glares…
I can tell…. by the way you smile…by the way u stare…
It’s nice to know you care…

It’s nice to know that someone misses me…
I don’t have to ask…I don’t have to plea…
I can surely feel… its true…
It’s nice to know you do…

It’s nice to know that someone will always be there…
No matter what…no matter where….
I hope you won’t change… forever…
It’s nice to know you will be there….

Thank you....
I’m just happy knowing you…

Isn’t it nice to know?….

Home Is Where You Least Expect To Find It

SHELTER is a story of a man who is torn between his familial responsibilities and his aspirations as a person. He then finds shelter in the arms of a man who makes him realize that its the self-worth that should be impulsing a person to do things for the other people he loves, and not just the mere tthought of urgency and obligation. Albeit the scenes of superficiality and promiscuity, SHELTER is a feel good movie that makes you want to be at pace with life and leave the city's bright lights and just be... HOME.

the soundtrack on the other hand makes you want to pack your bags and start the engine of a 90's car and just drive far away to nowhere..... while holding the hands of your Zach or Sean. ive seen the movie twice in a row last saturday and it made me smile even just for a moment at this tumultuous heart-breaking time of 2008. the credit goes to my other lovely couple friends.. catz and raya.

the setting is contemporary america, in the suburbs of san pedro. it mirrors the reality of social classes but not the wall that divides them. the movie deals with other issues like single parenting, coming out from the closet, and the relationships of a gay man to his sib. despite these dilemmatic and usually emo-like set-ups, the movie was treated lightly and managed to make its audience see reality on a different dimension.

the actors didnt seem to be abecedarians in their fields. i read that the main actors were real surfers so it was just a piece of cake for them to do it on cam. but it was their on-screen presence and their apt motivation to act that made them pull it through i should say, needless to say that they were really hot ;p

again, to the lovely and enviable love birds catz and raya, this is very timely. thank you for lending me the copy. the past weeks have been exhausting and making me an alcoholic. it gave me the time to introspect and made me snap to reality that i actually need not look further, because im already sheltered and am actually...

home.

almost there.

this has been long overdue. blame it on my incoherent thoughts.. as to what i should be feeling and thinking given the circumstances. i may have sought for jack coke's company earlier tonight.. but im sure its me and not him who's writing these things.

its been almost a year of sweet nothinngess-es, a year of maybe's and assumptions.. almost a year of fighting for what i believed was an against-all-odds-righteousness, almost a year of not letting the chance pass of being with someone i deemed to be the right one. it was a mistake from the very start. it was a misery i have succumbed to, for it is very seldom that i meet a person with whom i can picture myself to be with for a decade or two or even forever if there is such thing. he was my favorite mistake. a mistake ive assumed to be right, blinded and not knowing where i wa sreally standing.

i didnt bring home the bacon, and that is a big axe on my ego and my crab-like self. in one way or another, that could be the reason why im feeling this guilt. guilt of knowing how harder it is for the other person whom he has spent most of his life with, to be clueless and waiting for what things may lead to between them. and for that, im grateful coz i know that what im undergoing now is uncomparable to what he's dealing with.

i have long accepted the fact that i will never have him. but what hurts me the most now, is the fact that he never tried to reach out and tell me whats really happening. im so frustrated that after almost a year of the companionship and being friends at the very least, he could bear not talking to me.. or even losing me. i thought i meant something to him, as what he has told me, as what his friendster comment has implied. he knows very very well how much he means to me. if he acknowledges the weight of the time we spent together literalyy and figuratively, he couldve done so many things to make me feel about such.

im still hurt and i just want to get riod of this shit. i know i will be at a better shape soon, because i want to.. and i have to.

almost there.

this has been long overdue. blame it on my incoherent thoughts.. as to what i should be feeling and thinking given the circumstances. i may have sought for jack coke's company earlier tonight.. but im sure its me and not him who's writing these things.

its been almost a year of sweet nothinngess-es, a year of maybe's and assumptions.. almost a year of fighting for what i believed was an against-all-odds-righteousness, almost a year of not letting the chance pass of being with someone i deemed to be the right one. it was a mistake from the very start. it was a misery i have succumbed to, for it is very seldom that i meet a person with whom i can picture myself to be with for a decade or two or even forever if there is such thing. he was my favorite mistake. a mistake ive assumed to be right, blinded and not knowing where i wa sreally standing.

i didnt bring home the bacon, and that is a big axe on my ego and my crab-like self. in one way or another, that could be the reason why im feeling this guilt. guilt of knowing how harder it is for the other person whom he has spent most of his life with, to be clueless and waiting for what things may lead to between them. and for that, im grateful coz i know that what im undergoing now is uncomparable to what he's dealing with.

i have long accepted the fact that i will never have him. but what hurts me the most now, is the fact that he never tried to reach out and tell me whats really happening. im so frustrated that after almost a year of the companionship and being friends at the very least, he could bear not talking to me.. or even losing me. i thought i meant something to him, as what he has told me, as what his friendster comment has implied. he knows very very well how much he means to me. if he acknowledges the weight of the time we spent together literalyy and figuratively, he couldve done so many things to make me feel about such.

im still hurt and i just want to get riod of this shit. i know i will be at a better shape soon, because i want to.. and i have to.

One Month in Doha and Counting..

The passion for work that keeps me pre-occupied 24/7..

The reality of learning how to discern my emotions and take charge of them..

Adapting the "mind over matter" mantra to keep myself going despite the absence of the people I consider my life, my refuge, and my wonderwall..

Intoxicating myself with alcohol at the roof that the company has provided sans the scenes and the people I could socialize with..

Managing my own laundry without Ivy who, out of goodness would include mine with hers...

Eating forcefully without Leah telling me "try mo masarap to" over and over again...

Learning to discern the sensibility of saving over my one-day-millionaire attitude...

Keeping my bitchiness at bay whenever a colleague would be assertive of his desires, making him insensitive of what other people might want...

Learning how to enjoy at the company of middle aged businessmen, dignitaries and government officials...

Learning how to run a business and not just following my passion...

Eating take-aways almost thrice a day...

Not seeing the guy who makes me smile with his ways and means...

Sometimes partying and getting drunk albeit the alarm clock being set to 7am...

Struggling not to mix business with pleasure...

And hoping that time runs faster so I could go back sleep in our bed, go gaga over Chikka and its disciples, exchange gossips with my chums, eat the whole day and be lazy, and finally have a fucking haircut and shop for winter clothes.

Dubai is all the world compared to Doha.

Muse, Where Art Thou?

Its been a while since the muses have entranced me to write about something. You can blame it on the work load that I face every minute.. take note.. every minute of my life (that little by little Im beginning to appreciate). Since my last blog, I have been through a lot of windfalls, perkiness and nothingness, so having no reason to write at all is not the matter of fact.

So now, Im trying to squeeze out all of my inspiration despite the absence of the muses.

But Im still unlucky.

Pakshet.

Nix Pechuela, Grace B., Jaynifurr, Bec, EJ Mallari, Mrs. J, Shellanie, Jared

THE RULES: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse. You cannot tag the person who tagged you.


1. What would make your day worse?
--- going out of my temperature controlled flat to face another humid day of the universe.

2. At what age do/did you wish to settle down?
--- just recently. and im 24 now

3. What's your favorite genre in music?
--- Soul and old school rnb

4. What time did you sleep last night?
--- 3am

5. What are you doing right now?
--- answering this and chatting with jaynifurr. meron kaming modus operandi :)

6. Is there someone you're thinking of right now? Who?
--- Sweetie. Si Baby Boy awww..

7. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?
--- Either: 1. dress up and be fabulous, go out, and drink.

2. blog

8. If you were given a chance to choose a date for answering YES to your loved one what month is that?
--- it doesnt matter

9. What makes your day complete?
--- complete hours of sleep at night and isang pakilig moment ni sweetie

10. List 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
--- Geng: Tough, Smart Ass, Babae

11. How do you cope with boredom?
--- Eat, Sleep, Surf the net

12. Is there someone you love (d) who have hurt you in any way? Who?
--- Jonas & Sweetie

13. What is your dream?
--- short-term: Maging lifestyle show host

long-term: maging housewife

14. If you have one wish, what would you wish for?
--- LTR

15. Describe summer 08 in less than 10 words
--- masakit sa heart tsaka sa head ;p

16. Do you believe that dreams do come true?, Why?
--- naman. because a lot of my dreams have been realized already.

17. What will you do if your loved one ask you to go out??
--- mag leave ako sa owficce.

18. What do you look forward in 2008?
--- winter, increment

19. What song is playing in your head right now?
--- piece of sky

20. Who is your favorite singer?
--- mariah circa 90's

21. Is there anything about you that you would like to share?
--- contrary to popular belief.. im domesticated, quiet often times who revels on solitude.. and boring.

uhmm..

Sentiments of a Could-Have-Been Mistress

I am to be blamed for feeling miserable.

I pushed myself to the limit because I held on to the very minute ray of hope I had.

I was persistent because it is very seldom that I find a gem in a bed of stones.

I wanted to pursue you despite knowing that we can't be together because of certain circumstances.

I had to take my chances because I didnt want this rare moment of me becoming interested with a guy just pass, like it meant nothing to me.

I liked how our differences made us closer and more intimate.

I loved how my friends adored you.

I treasure you for being there at my lowest.

I was able to do things that were uncalled for because I wanted to see for myself what's with him that's making you faithful.. as you claim.

I am now confused with what's the truth behind all of your statements to me for I have seen things when I got back, that contradict your claim to fidelity.

I am hurt.. above all.

I am missing you so much.

I am helping myself and I just cant wait for me to be over you.

If you cant feel the same way I do to you, just please help me find myself again...

Because I have a fabulous life to attend to.

From the Eyes of the Divine

This is actually a reposted comment from someone else's blog, which I was the subject. I had to think for 2 days whether I was going to write back (pertaining to the blogpost) or not.. but I chose not too, because.. uhmm.. you can say that I got tired of explaining myself. And besides, this reposted comment has implied all the thoughts i had.

I had to post this because..

I like it when people talk about me, negatively or otherwise. A star wouldnt be a star without the stir.

And this act of reposting is narcissism at its finest.

He is insensitive. No doubt. And he is obnoxious. And critical. And condescending. That's why people love to hate him. But also, that's why his real friends and his family love to love him. Because he is the only person who will never, under any circumstances, hold back in telling a person to his face what his opinions are of him.

Whether we, the people who love him unconditionally, accept his opinions of us or not, is our prerogative. Some chose not to. But we did; because the only way to be part of his legion of loved ones is to accept and love him back --- sunny weather or bitchy moment. Because he will forever be like that, and in an uncompromising fashion. See, God sent him to earth for that purpose: to be the wake up call of everyone who wishes to have an effective one that doesn't yield to threatening demands nor pathetic, whiny pleas of snooze.

So yeah, I would have to say that, being a person who saw him mature from a nursery kid with dagger eyes and a deleteriously frank tongue to a self-made career gay man with (still) dagger eyes and a deleteriously frank tongue, I definitely agree with you. He is insensitive. And he is obnoxious. And critical. And condescending. But he is loving, caring and very nurturing as well. Too bad for some people, they easily get intimidated or feel belittled by his acerbic way of delivering his honest-to-goodness opinions, they never get to see the motherly side of him.

an ode to my dearly loved pairs

people have known you very well. for almost 3 years, you two have been with me at my flashy, trashy, and even mediocre instances. people may have gotten tired of your charm, but up to this very minute, you both are still my fave. in fact, im going to the back to that nursery-like house where most of your kind are juxtaposed to each other when i go back to manila on the 3rd quarter.

i know you both were used and abused. im sorry if i made you toil night and day, and let the unabashed Beko consume your wholeness during weekends. if its erratic to just want you to look divine again, then so be it. i know i am to blame for making you look this way now..

but please, dont ever think that i have forsaken you totally. its just that i really have to let you go at this point, and even bec agreed that its time we part ways. the last thing i would want to to happen now is for you both to be inflicted with the pangs of the society's dirt. so just let yourselves be enveloped by the Grayness of Ashkenany Supermarket.

your time with me is now asking to be put to a halt. maybe you are meant for bigger reasons.. dont be scared now. just let fate take you where youll be aplty supposed to be...

wait til i say "curtain" once more.. (a repost from my friendster blog)

aside from my occupation which is stated in my profile, there is another thing i believe im meant to be doing. ive laid the pipelines of this a few years back, under the tutelage of very promising and noteworthy characters who played not only a big part in my thespian career but also in terms of my personality. and im taking a break now, and soon i shall be ingressing to the stage again, and perform my greatest passion.. where the frontals will be set brightly, as the scoring share the internalization i shall be doing with me.. set in a stage that a lot of people will be patronizing.. and from there as the production climaxes and as the conflict becomes reconciled, they shall be telling themselves i was worth the long wait.

my 2-year overdue director's note

long have been the time that i have veered away from the things i used to do both to amaze and challenge my artistry and to flabbergast people with how i get things done. this is due to unnoteworthy extenuating circumstances ive gone through after college.. ive moved on and have chosen a different dodge that i believed would be more apt to my situation.

directing a stage play was one of my frustrations (and still is actually), i felt that there was a time in college that i was sagacious enough to mount one for ive been "jacking of all trades" for the longest time.. but i had a different calling. my mentors paved a different path for me and i was and still am very grateful for that because not only did they thwart my directing frustration 4 times, but they did also realize one of my childhood reveries - teaching.

for most of the people whom i have worked with, they would most likely regard to me as a mud slinger.. someone they were never able to please.. or someone who thrived in the obnoxious world of criticizing what for them was a sum of everything that they had to give (disclaimer : i never was greedy of praise, i knew how to give credit when it was due). i can never blame them for that because first.. i have the gift of looking sarcastic even if im euphoric.. and second because i chose to be uptight. uptight because most of them were novices and still nursing their newly grown wings.. uptight due to the moral i have learned the hard way that a show is worth the price and not your tears. uptight due to the lack of tenacity they had which needed some pressure to trigger it.. uptight because of the childishness that was lacking in tempo to shift to maturity and was causing their vulnerability to failure which was a major no-no. uptight because i wanted them to rationalize the things they were trying to accomplish and see how importnat these things are to them.

but now im scared that maybe there were times that the thin line between being uptight and professional and fearsome was almost not there.. maybe ive gone out of bounds.. and for that i am forever sorry. i never wanted to be regarded as a cruella devil and never would i want them to work only becasue of the pressure i was consistently putting on their faces.

looking back, maybe i was successful.. maybe my strategy worked well. not only were my or OUR shows successful and worth the price our audience paid for.. but the people who used to tremble and could almost pee on their pants whenever they see me coming, ranting, or even sitting quietly observing are now the mentors younger people look up to and now the people who do their own strategies to envision their fancies and make up for what they feel were lacking when i was at the director's seat..

perplexed in front of a traffic signal

Ive kept my silence these past few weeks because the last thing I would want to occur is for the flame to be more fueled. I dont want to create an uproar with what seems to be a performing artist waiting for his light as his cue to start a gala. So as to become more objective, let me take each issue point by point. (pardon the incoherence should you see a lot of them. i myslef cannot put the pieces together).

1. After the South Boy, the Engr. was the only guy I was really in to. Uberly smart, focused, independent. His philosophy do not conform with the norms, but do not necessarily make him a deviant. He smelled good sans parfum and charming sans the trendy get-ups. Very much liked by my friends which was a very very big plus for me.. and above all... he can make me shut up and think before I utter any word that would support the world's claim of me being bitchy and irrational. But things were more complex than what most people think. He has someone in Manila, and he has priorities that are too formidable... too formidable that no one can ever make him get off his tracks to make him not attend to these. I respected that. Moreover, maybe the guy wasnt that in to me. And if he really wasnt, I would take that as a blessing in disguise because that was the faculty that made me realize that i cant be with someone who takes his relationships for granted. My relationships with my family, friends, myself, and with my partner (given the chance for me to have one) are what would make up Mai as a whole. Without them, I'll be oblivious. I miss him though and its just too pathetic to miss someone who I think doesnt even think of me even for the slightest minute. Ergo, I am pathetic because I miss the persona I saw in him. I fell for who he was and will fall again for the same character and not the person necessarily. As how Lea would put it.. " I remember the boy, but I dont remember the feeling anymore..".

2. I want THE relationship. Putting emphasis on the "THE" because I know that there is only one kind of relationship that I want and am looking for. I am in love with this idealism and not with just any superficially attractive guy who knows nothing else but to flash his beaming smile and machismo, mindless if he affixes "a's" with nouns starting with vowels and if he writes paragraphs with all the sentences starting with "actually". I know this desire is still far fetched. So Im taking my time.

3. On the other hand, I think I dont wanna get committed yet. I have soooo many things to accomplish that I even barely have the time to get a complete bed rest every night. I value my freedom and my space. I have a very promising career ahead of me, and a lot of people to share my precious time with. At which time of the day and days of the week will i give up if someone comes along?.. I can not provide answers as of now, which leads me to point 4...

4. I know how to have fun. Ive mastered this game as early as my tertiary days. I may not be as provocative as before (blame it on age and experience) but I still find physical pleasure once every blue moon. ...

Last night, the moon was blue. I had fun of course, but I think I ended waking up miserable this morning for a reason Im not aware of.

Now.. this is my dilemma. I dont know what I want. And I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I hate being left clueless, and confused. I can take a big blow of depression because I know where to get my armor from. But when Im uncertain, I dont know where to go. I dont know which part of me should be laboring night and day. And I hate that feeling.... Did I say I hate the feeling of being uncertain?!..

As how Dr. Meredith Grey blabbed..

"Too often the thing you want the most is the thing that you cant have. Desire leaves us heart broken.. it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who dont know what they want"

I cant be confused for a long time because I will be caught off guard by circumstances that may come. I need to think. I need to poke my intuitions. I need something to warm up.

A glass or two of vodka perhaps. Tonight.

I Got Tagged!!

I got tagged and in response, I'm posting this series of odd things about me.

Rules: The first player of this game starts with the "6 weird things/habits about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours.

Six Weird Things About Myself:

1. Im having a hard time distinguishing colors. I flunked my entrance exam to UPIS when I was a kid, because I almost got a zero score in the Arts because of colors.

2. I can eat a kilo of butong pakwan in a day. I inherited this penchant for watermemlon seeds from La Remi.

3. I can just sing all day. Its very innate in me that I do not even realize Im singing most of the time.

4. I fart when I sleep. And not just a single fart. Its a series of farts. Ivy makes use of it as her alarm in the morning.

5. I hate it when my food and drink are too tasty. My juice would just have to have color, and I eat more rice than viand because I dont want to taste the dish that much.

6. Im very impatient with taxi drivers. I would have at least two follow-up calls from Dubai's Road and Transport Authority regarding different drivers in a week.

and Im tagging Nix, Divine Ryeness, Descended Goddess from the Himalayas, La Directora, Gengkukay, and Steve

friday madness

divine ryeness replied.. "well it looks like its all about human relationships. mukhang nagiging inward ang energies mo. im guessing its just in the stars. siguro tina-transition ka. kasi si mamu and japs ganyan din ngayon. and youre all cancerians. its nothing to be alarmed about."

dr. meredith grey blabbed.. "Too often the thing you want the most is the thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heart broken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

i want to get away from it all and from them all. i have no issues... or maybe i havent just realized them yet.. i dunno. but i want to be quiet.. solitude teases me and i want to succumb. i have to do something else. i have to be somewhere. i want him but i dont want to be with him now.

and the hardest part is.. im all clueless about what i really want.

and its a friday night. im all alone in the house. im wearing my pj's. and im savoring every moment of my quietness and nothingness.

i need to slow down.. i think.

a hint of narcissism

***What Ryan Omar Santiago Bautista Means***

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/