now and then

Your past life diagnosis:

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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Romania around the year 1800. Your profession was that of a map maker, astrologer, astronomer.

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Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange.

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The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different. Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life.

from http://thebigview.com/pastlife/

blood, sweat, and tears

ive never been this busy and loaded with work since i left the comfort of my school. the number of projects (events, theatrical releases, ppv's, etc) ive handled with my boss is just incredulously disproportional with my tenure at abscbn m.e. but what the heck, even if i breathe pressure instead of oxygen, work for 15 hours a day and even at my days off, and be haunted by deadlines in my dreams, and be an events specialist / kargador / messenger / crowd control / handler / flyering staff / editor / lagarista / writer / shock absorber / troubleshooter / f.d. / PR practitioner / alcoholic / etc / etc / etc all athe same time, im persistently being conscious about keeping my zeal, for this job is what ive prayed for and what other people envy of me. and it is but rare that someone gets to have a job where your bosses drag you for drinks during weekdays and eats a cheap but reliable 8 dirham meal with you.

among all the projects ive handled, so far this event im (we're all) prepping for is the most ambitious and has been causing me the most physical, mental, emotional, and social exhaustion. id rather not put reasons for my statement in to detail for i may never end. but this event is my baby. and my maternal instinct is just becoming so sheer, that i may have a heart ache when my baby would give up on me sooner or later.

the miranda hobbes in me

this is actually a sequel to the blogpost "the samantha jones in me". and oh yes, its the same infamous guy.

after all the funny bedtime stories i had to tell, i had a chance to get to know the guy a little more. he was an accountant. a specie who thrives on counting and organizing digits which is a far cry from what i do. a kapampangan, which i though of as an advantage coz we could revel on food having the same intemsity of liking over it anytime we want. he was 28, a very promising and crucial age for me. promising coz im assuming that at such age, he would have a broader perspective about love, life, and everything in between... crucial because if at such age, he can be still be childish and juvenile as a junior high kid, he's a scum. so it could be a make or break age kind of thing for me. and most of all, he was very persistent. and his persistence seemed almost like a deja vu for me, except that he went over being persistent and exceeded my expectations. and admittingly, i was flattered and overwhelmed. its been a while since a guy did such a big gesture for me. . call it evil but i liked the idea of him wooing me. not because im so into him but because, (yes you can strangle me with this revelation) it fed my ego. but to be fair to me, i told him i cant promise anything and that it would be better if we would just enjoy each others' company. but he just kept on going and i thought to just let him be, though often times i found it hard to make excuses and alibis when he he would ask me out.

until last night....

we were exchanging sms's, yoiu know the usual boring, predicatble, lame stuff.. "how was your day".. "im fine".. things like that. until this message was sent to me "nakita mo na ako diba, tell me how do you find me? sana nag-hi ka man lang". so i returned the message to him quoting the one he mistakenly sent me with "- wrong send". he said sorry after and explained. and i just replied "inaantok nako. ill text you tom". and this morning, he asked me thru text if im angry. i said "no, why should i be. i perfectly understand. but i guess this should re-validate my reason why we should stay as friends only. aside from me having so much to think about work, my friends, and family, i dont need someone who hasnt outgrown his pre-adolescent days yet".

he was telling me i can be his everything and and yet still can entertain someone else..

honey, this gay polygamy reminds me of my college queendom days. and im way ahead of it coz i am a already pro and

theres no way im turning back.

ill never stop being hopeful

krissy's "ode to the four people i had treasured the most"

it was really unfortunate that time, distance and misunderstanings brought us to where we are now. i know, we had hurt one another in very unexpected ways. i was really sorry for whatever i had done wrong. i think about that until now. i, we, had remained silent about everything. pretending nothing happened. letting each day pass as if a part of our life has been erased from our memories.

i admit i am not as sober as i can be. but honestly speaking, i could have never written this if i was. numerous people may think that i am transparent but a number would disagree to that.

yes, i am strong but to the people i treasure most i get hurt easily. i may pretend to shove it off my shoulder yet deep down i am bleeding. not that i am a hypocrite or anything, i would just like to weigh things, think about everything before i react.. and if i think it is not just, i would not dare crash.

this day, if i am not mistaken is close to the day when everything shattered upon us. yes, i am still aching. yes, i still do not know where to pick up the pieces.

if i am speaking vaguely it is beacause i just don't know where to start. maybe i should start by saying sorry and it was really unfortunate that such a great friendship could result to what we are now... strangers!

one by one i would like to address you guys. you may or may not read this or give a damn about this. i just want to share what i have been feeling about everything that happened as a closure to everything.


mai, thank you for being an amazing friend. i know we have metrics and metrics of differences but i really appreciate your effort in trying to understand me, my life, the changes i have gone through and the parts of our life that could never really ever ever meet. i really am speehless to your resilience as a friend. i try to return the favor in more ways that i can.

leah, i am happy to see that all your dreams are finally falling to place. we might have qualms about almost everything, we have been bestfriends to almost being strangers but rest assured that i pray for the best that could happen to your life as much as i can. again, value yourself the way we value you. we may sometimes think that we value ourselves enough but truth is we really don't, to the eyes of others.

ivy, the person who honestly have hurt me the most.. despite all that, i am also happy to see you having as much contentment as you have wanted. you have great friends that support you in whatever endeavors you take. i have valued what we had post this "silent war" days. i just really wished you had given me the same respect as i gave you. though, what i think was sufficient may be different from yours. you have other loyalties. i just hope you are now braver in facing your emotions as compared to before. you are precious the way you are, i know we have different ways of dealing with things and i respect your way. i have come into terms with that. i just wished it had not come to this point.

paullyne, the person i know least about. well, i heard that you are at present engaged.. congrats! frankly, i just wished before, that you knew how to listen to both sides before letting out reactions undue to each person. i wouldn't waste my time, telling you what really happened. you would remain deaf to it. i just feel the need to put it briefly. it was a joke misunderstood, that's it. i would have appreciated you asking me what really happened before all the commotion got out. remember that there are always two sides to a coin. one could have seen it in a way that the other did not.


people most often destroy themselves with the hatred they bear. i choose to be not one of them, that is the reason i wrote most of what i feel that i could translate into words in this soliloquy.

when all is said and done, we have lives of our own, separate from the life we together sought and grew with. i just hope all is well with you guys. be at peace and contented. it is not the life full of glamour