almost there.

this has been long overdue. blame it on my incoherent thoughts.. as to what i should be feeling and thinking given the circumstances. i may have sought for jack coke's company earlier tonight.. but im sure its me and not him who's writing these things.

its been almost a year of sweet nothinngess-es, a year of maybe's and assumptions.. almost a year of fighting for what i believed was an against-all-odds-righteousness, almost a year of not letting the chance pass of being with someone i deemed to be the right one. it was a mistake from the very start. it was a misery i have succumbed to, for it is very seldom that i meet a person with whom i can picture myself to be with for a decade or two or even forever if there is such thing. he was my favorite mistake. a mistake ive assumed to be right, blinded and not knowing where i wa sreally standing.

i didnt bring home the bacon, and that is a big axe on my ego and my crab-like self. in one way or another, that could be the reason why im feeling this guilt. guilt of knowing how harder it is for the other person whom he has spent most of his life with, to be clueless and waiting for what things may lead to between them. and for that, im grateful coz i know that what im undergoing now is uncomparable to what he's dealing with.

i have long accepted the fact that i will never have him. but what hurts me the most now, is the fact that he never tried to reach out and tell me whats really happening. im so frustrated that after almost a year of the companionship and being friends at the very least, he could bear not talking to me.. or even losing me. i thought i meant something to him, as what he has told me, as what his friendster comment has implied. he knows very very well how much he means to me. if he acknowledges the weight of the time we spent together literalyy and figuratively, he couldve done so many things to make me feel about such.

im still hurt and i just want to get riod of this shit. i know i will be at a better shape soon, because i want to.. and i have to.