my music box

mail_for_ryan: language barrier is fun sometimes
mai bautista: not when it interferes my work
mail_for_ryan: true
mai bautista: alam mo ba na iahd 10k tickts printed for my concert on dec
mail_for_ryan: your concert?
mail_for_ryan: singer ka?
mai bautista: and itong tickets na ito eh kelangn tatakan sa dept of tourism isa isa.. and after weeks of meetings with world trade center , pagdating ko sa deot of tourism kanina mali ang tickets
mai bautista: bukas ang alis mo?
mai bautista: direcho cebu yan?
mail_for_ryan: tonight.
mail_for_ryan: 12:50
mail_for_ryan: OMG!
mail_for_ryan: so pano gagawin mo sa tix?
mai bautista: tinapon ko na
mai bautista: re-print!
mai bautista: revise muna pala tapos reprint
mail_for_ryan: that's worth how much?
mai bautista: 3k dhs
mai bautista: printing cost
mail_for_ryan: sheesh!
mail_for_ryan: i hope your bosses didn't take it out on you
mai bautista: hindi naman. dahil hindi ko kasalanan. pero nanghihina ako dahil dapat out na sya sa market this week
mai bautista: eh after printing, papa-tatakan pa lahat.. tapos i a-account tsaka ibebenta
mai bautista: gudluck
mai bautista: tue na now
mai bautista: off na sa fri
mail_for_ryan: so kelan na malalabas yan?
mai bautista: dapat this friday
mai bautista: tapos yung certification pa ng next movie dito na showing nov 1 & 2 pinapa attest pa sa pinas
mai bautista: so isang goodluck pa ulit
mail_for_ryan: ok lang yan
mail_for_ryan: it's issues like that that test your willpower and pressure capacity.
mail_for_ryan: and when u surpass them,
mail_for_ryan: walang ibang aani ng credit kundi ikaw.
mai bautista: i know.. kaya lang feeling ko kasi i dont meet their expectations.. kahit na hindi ko kasalanan, its my responsibiltiy pa din
mail_for_ryan: that in itself gives you credit.
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel that way.
mail_for_ryan: don't be bothered.
mail_for_ryan: it shows your reliable sense of responsibility.
mail_for_ryan: and thank oca nad rems for that
mai bautista: i know. pero kuya, alam mo naman din na sa ganitong klase ng trabaho.. effort isnt enough. we need results
mai bautista: good results
mai bautista: efficient results
mai bautista: and i fail to be efficient
mail_for_ryan: KUNG kasalanan mo.
mail_for_ryan: e hindi naman e.
mail_for_ryan: the effort you put into the whole fiasco is just making u a hero.
mail_for_ryan: if u fail, u don't really fail.
mail_for_ryan: u just don't become a hero.
mail_for_ryan: pero hindi kabawasan sa yo bilang empleyado.
mail_for_ryan: kumbaga,
mail_for_ryan: they're only expecting a 10 from u.
mail_for_ryan: u're already going out of your way to deliver a 15.
mail_for_ryan: if u don't meet that,
mail_for_ryan: ok pa rin.
mail_for_ryan: nasa 10 ka namn e.
mail_for_ryan: you're giving them just enough of what they need.
mai bautista: sana nga ganun. ewan ko basta i feel bad
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel pressured.
mail_for_ryan: embrace it.
mail_for_ryan: but not bad.
mail_for_ryan: embrace pressure because coping with pressure is a gift that not everyone has.
mail_for_ryan: others will commit suicide for this, you know!
mail_for_ryan: pero tayo...
mail_for_ryan: well... we managed to live and stay in a good school for more than 6 years nang walang inaasahang monthly income.
mail_for_ryan: we're fit for this.
mail_for_ryan:
mail_for_ryan: and we not only cope, mind you.
mail_for_ryan: we have poise, panache and elan under extreme pressure!
mai bautista: im trying hard

masochism is what one is left with

"i count him braver who overcomes his desires, than him who conquers his enemies. for the hardest victory is the victory over himslef".

ang hirap kalabanin ang sarili. pero wala naman choice. so its either mahirapan ka or you give up. and like i said, giving up is not a choice.

(and then a thought...)

egg sandwich!

eat when you cant write. and everything will be fine.

right now... right this very minute.. i wanna write about something. but i cant coz if i do, he'd have a hint that its him im talking about. and metaphors and disguises wont do.

so, this leaves me another option.. eat. and let this inspration of writing pass.

the samantha jones in me

last night was very sex and the city. and i deserved and emmy for that.

two hours after arriving home from work, a greek-godly physique with a peasant's face was at my doorstep. and when i opened the door for him, his first statement was "ang layo pala nito. here's your oreo mcflurry." and i had to tell him that the cab driver wouldve probably taken a different route from his place to mine. thats why it had to take 40 bucks out from his pocket and an exchange of gibberish and gramatically and politically incorrect speeches with the southern indian cab driver.

then we talked and talked over my cup of mcflurry and his green salad. and the next thing i knew was, his lips were the ones i was already nibbling instead of the spoon i was using (call that a mannerism).

and in an effort to cut the long story short, we were in bed. and the smell of promiscuity was very sheer.

and then the funny parts...

he was busy spotting my weak points in my neck while telling me how much he liked me eversince. even when we werent formally introduced yet and all he had were glimpses of a drunken me at the bar almost every weekend.. (oh yes im self-absorbed!) and then he blurted out while doing his thing "i wanna know you more. can we have dinner? i think you'll be perfect for me." and my slip of the tongue "Oh my god!" and what i meant was "honey, wake up and smell the coffee". but i was moaning while saying that so i assumed he thought i liked his idea.

and then he wanted to get inside of me very badly his tongue reflexes had made my body succumb to his desires.. almost! i said no.. and then he blabbed "ok ill respect what you want. i dont want you to get hurt", with his both hands palmed on my cheeks. and i told him "just kiss me" where i think he interpreted it as something like "aww.. he respects me" when i meant "lets just have fun".

and i was late for a morning engagement with one of the suppliers for my december event. and on my way back to work.. his sms was "I really had a great time with you last nyt, ewan ko ba if wut im feeln ryt now is ryt bec i think im missin you already. how about tonight?" sabi ko.. "may prob si bec eh. she wants the four of us (ivy, leah, bec, and me) to talk. ill let you know."

it was quite rude. but it was hilarious. blame it on my penchant for sex and the city. its sensibility and humor has gotten into my system already. and that was fabulous..

Remake of 80's Classic - "The Working Girls"

isa sa mga pinoy classic movies na super love ko at tawang-tawa ako ay "The Working Girls". Eto na sila after almost 2 decades.. Hehe.

(Clockwise starting at 12 of the clock)

1. Si Shelie - na-chugi sa huling trabaho kung saan sya ay isang boss, or nag fi-feeling boss na papasok an hour late at magbabasa pa ng dyaryo sa reception habang nagpapatimpla ng kape sa Nepali na office boy. Ngayon.. isa na syang OB-GYNE. :)

2. Si Leah - siya si Ms. London. FA ng isang airline company na nag re-recuperate pa lang sa galit at pagka-suklam sa isang Ehiptong pokpok. Tawag sa kanya ng kanyang bahay-alak ay "Madam".

3. Si Mai - Siya ang may attitude problem sa kanilang lahat. Siya ang kanang kamay ng landlady nilang si Ivy. Isa syang events planner-slash-messenger-slash-kargador-slash-shock-absorber sa opisina. Minsa'y naging istokwa din siya.

4. Si Jay - Little Ms. Philippines. Baklang may lovelife na nagpapatuyo ng sabon sa mukha pag day-off. Siya ang reyna ng isa sa mga pinakamalaking designer boutique sa mundo. Ka-level ng Monakiki sa Pinas.

5. Si Mitch - ang escort ng Little Ms. Philippines. Shy and coy ang drama sa umpisa pero binabawi sa paghilik sa pagtulog. He can rock your world pag natulog kayo sa isang kwarto! Siya ang prinsesa ng Palm Jumeirah.

6. Si Ivy - Siya ang landlady na buong pusong tinatanggap ang kanyang role sa bahay. Kahit sa pagtulog ay alam nyang overcooked ang pasta o merong hindi nagsara ng toilet seat. Mdami din syang reklamo sa buhay. Bet sya ng boss nyang mayaman na matanda.

7. Si Bec - wala sya sa litrato kaya wag mo na sya hanapin. pero nakabukas ang mata nya pag natutulog. ganunpaman, ibang level ang mga ka-date nya sa pinas. kaya naman pinilit nyang magka sore eyes kesehodang ikabulag nya ang pabangong in-spray nya sa mata nya. isa din syang FA. siya ang Ms. Philippines.

Eto sila. Sa mata ng karamihan ay puro lang saya. Sa iba naman ay mga kabataang pariwara. Pero ang hindi nila alam ... madami pa silang hindi alam.

(ang larawan ay kuha sa Irish Village na ngayon ay Century Village na.. dinner-dinneran lang after work with shisha on the side. )

mai = attitude problem

i was at my fave place in our flat - kitchen, doing my usual chores which i deem therapeutic, when suddenly catharsis took place. i told my other fabulous gay friend Jay ( who stays at our place every weekends with shelie and mitch ), I think im becoming more of like someone I used to be nonchalant with.. my mom. I realized how obsessive-compulsive I can be and how meticulous I can get with how things get done at home - laundry, cooking, dishes, everything. And now I know how annoying it could be when youve told someone how to deal with houesehold chores and all they say is yes without even absorbing what and why I told them such. And I love the way I am now.. and I love my mom for being the nagger that she was.

oh how I miss remi. and when i get back to murphy, Id love to hear her scream at the top of her lungs again and wake me up at 1 in the afternoon.

and maybe, just like this realization im having now, when im gone and far away with the people im now with, they'll be ablt to appreciate the "attitude problem" theyve branded me with.

AP ba ako?!

still in love.. and still cant. how's that?

my friendster shout out has been creating too much stir with my friends. sabi nila, "go ahead and keep telling that to yourself", and yes i am. out of the 5 things that would make me happy.. namely family, friends, career, myself & god, and love.. i have 4 of them and that should be enough. maybe i am convincing myself at one point there, they're right about that. and thats because i feel stupid for feeling inadequate. having the majority of the things i want to covet, thats more than life being fair. and it is but selfish to ask for everything.

but this time it hits me. i feel alone. its almost a bingo. and thats the sad thing.. its just almost. im the type who would think of romance as the least thing the one should be worrying about. and for the longest time.. that has been my predicament. not until me and uhmmm.. errr.. "J" have opened our communication lines open. we've been friends since the heartbreaking, world-rocking, and mind-splitting break up, but its just recently (and when i say recent meaning last night) we have affirmed to each other our love. love that hasnt died yet and is now becoming more palpable. and it pains me that theres nothing realistic i could do about what we both feel now. at the same time, i feel guilty for always being cynical when he says he misses me and how ive become a part of his life.. that he couldnt jump into another relationship because he stll loves me. it hurts that despite the mutual feelings we have towards our situation and towards each other, theres nothing else we could do but just wait for years for us to be together again. shit. sabi ko kay lord gusto ko na ma-in love ulit. and i am.. with the same person. sana pala sinabi ko din sa kanya na gusto kong ma-in love and i wanna be with him at the same time.. maybe things wouldve been less complicated....

but i told him we better move on and forget what we feel for each other. coz it wont help us both in any way. he's pursuing his life and career now, and i have just started pulling off my tracks.. and we just cant simply be together. we better go on with who we are now individually. and yes, its hard. but i have to.. and he has to as well. fuck love.

mga lalaki sa buhay ni ryan omar

unconventionally, i grew up with the company of straights (both boys and girls). i would have gay friends but we werent really in just one clique. i started smoking and drinking and playing billiards (which now is very strange thing for me to do) with my guys. and the fun they showed me fed my masculinity, in a broader sense of the word. unapologetic, carefree, fast-paced, risky, and experimental. just like my bitches, these guys have been with me since the time i was wearing my socks knee-length tp pair with my nicely pressed khaki shorts and patched polo. for most of my pre-adolescent life, they have have served as my shock-absorber, they can neutralize the intensity of my drama queen tendencies at times of my melancholy. they were like my big kuyas everytime some other pathetic straight guys would manifest their illogical uhmmm.. call it homophobia. they were there to bug me at home whenever they wanted to have breakfast after their "boys night-out". they were there to screen the guys i was dating. they were there to assay guy stuff whenever my bitches freak out and perceive men to be from mars. they were there. they have always been there. and im missing them so much and it hurts to be away from them. i love my guys. and i dunno what else to say.

good morning sweet pea

i woke up smiling today. and im not pretty sure why i did. i could blame it on having a complete 8 hours of dead sleeping, or maybe because of the fact that its payday today and not to mention its the end of the work week.. i dunno. but whatever the reason could be, i wouldnt even care less.. im just happy. and im gonna savor this moment for i have been feeling the mediocrity of my life for the past weeks and hell, i deserve a break!!

so fuck off anyone who would ruin my day.. today im gonna be fabulous!

...

this is one of those nights that im really apprehensive of..

a lot of times, i would catch myself wanting to write about this matter but i would eventually keep myself from doing so because i feel its nothing serious compared to the really matter of life and death problems of the universe, that even before the act of writing about it, just the mere thought of singlehood and romance annoys me. it annoys me in a way that i know i shouldnt be thinking about this. annoying because i know that even if im not blessed now with a better half, im truly one of god's most favored children because of the magnanimous blessings ive received from him. annoying because i myself abhor people who whine and let themselves be overpowered by the "sadness" they feel because theyre single.

but tonight, i just couldnt handle it anymore. i feel lonely and sad. no man to kiss me goodnight, no guy to pat my back and say i did a great job at work, no boy to walk with me on the shoreline, no man who could handle my mood swings, no boy i could go to the grocery and cook for, no guy who would tell me i look divine even if im wasted, no boyfriend whom i could nag and be demanding with, no guy who could handle the wits and uniqueness of my friends, kuya, and mama, no boyfriend who will watch and critique theater plays with, no guy who could just be lazy with the whole day, no guy i could talk to about nothingness, no man who could appreciate my perfect me because of my flaws.

i know there's an ocean of male species outside my shell, but i dont want just anyone else. i want someone. i want the one. and i dunno how i could find him. i dont know how he could find me, for i am too busy... too busy working my ass off at work so the feeling i have now that i have been suppressing and being rational about would just drown to oblivion.

ill be better tomorrow.

P.S.

if this entry would create conclusions, please spare me the "you will find the one" or "your right time will come" statements. i know that very well. im just sad right now and thats just about it. i will never be childish about this.

there's something about my nilagang baka.

so finally, im joining the bandwagon as how kuya would put it.

he was very pushy with me reviving my blog and creating a multiply account. but for the longest time i was hesitant, for im the type who would want least maintenance of my stuff and i just have more gthan enough personal and work-related accounts to sign in to, reply to messages, and log out for the next day's the same cycle.

and in this cosmopolitan ennui in the gulf they refer to as Dubai, the Arabs are more hypocritically disturbed than some Filipinos (whether way back home or anywhere in the globe). They block sites that for them can alter their traditions and customs. Oh well.. maybe thats wny many locals are being put to the justice hall because of sexual harrassment et al. And Multiply is yes ladies and gents.. blocked. I emailed Etisalat ( a govt subsidized mobile and isp company) and aired my thoughts and rantings> unexpectedly, the webamster was polite enough to reply promptly but he said they couldnt unblock the site for it was tagged as a "dating" site. And just like that, i gave up.

Funny thing is, the only way that I could access Multiply is if I Im in the office and due to the incredulous work sched i have, i couldnt log in to it, and because i want a blog entry to finally launch it which apparently i cant do, my multiply's opening salvo has been on hold for three weeks now... and just a few moments later, while cooking nilagang baka for lunch did i only realize that theres this technology which enables blogger to export blog entries to my multiply.. and hence... im writing this long narrative.

am i writing too much about nothingness.?! maybe this would leave people hanging with what ive been telling them about my "grand launch". i leave the objectivity to my reader/s. but what the heck! i missed writing and i missed my old self. because as how madonna would sing it... "this used to be my playground".

city and state please?..Ü

its been a month.. oh well almost, since i last had the drive to post sumthin in my teeny-bopperish blog.Ü i dunno.. i just didnt feel like doing so....

be over with your woes.. im back. (hello fans!)

kiddin aside..

good news.. im no longer a bum.. theres somethin now im gonna be busy with...

im working for rmh teleservices... and i feel sumthin different but positive with this company and my employment... i hop rthis time i could make things happen.

when boredom strikes.. narcissism rescues

Men See You As Desirable Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

day one..

mai sings ... "and im doing just fine. getting along very well without you in my life.... im doin just fine. time made me stronger.. youre no longer on my mind." a couple of an exchange of texts with my equally bitchy grace.. MAI : hey.. wala lang.. i just feel sad. i know its the best thing to happen right now.. i know also ill be fine.. its just that im sad.. sinusumpong ako ng lungkot. GRACE : ur entitled to that. jst dnt overdo it. u cn never really appreciate happiness until uv hit that low point. MAI : thanks for being resilient like what uve always been when im not. GRACE : Not really, i work on it a lot. stay fab! big hug..

finally..

i was successful with my plan. i didnt want to put an end to whatever's been going on between me and jonas... because i know i wouldnt have the balls to stick to my decision, so i just let him be himself and hurt me so id subconsciously reach the point of me giving up...

and now i am gradually falling out of love.

after not texting nor calling each other for two or three days, i gave him a call.

finally.. he ended it.

after more than 7 months of generally being at peace and happy with each other's company.. after all the i love you's and please stay with me..... after all the i-understand statements.... after all the heartaches... after all the sacrifices.... after all the perks... jonas isnt over sam yet.

what kills me more is that he is now entertaining the thought of splitting up with tere for sam.. which he never thought of during our time..

thank you lord for helping me and making me sane and fine.

i am sad.. but i have no regrets. i have loved someone unconditionally, and more than to anyone else.. i should be proud of myself for that.. and i am.

some things arent really meant to be. and of of those is us.

i am sad.. but not for long.Ü

uhmmm.. hmmm...

".... yes i love u and i want you to stay. but i cant be with you. ill be like this for long.. invisible." uhmm.. ok. wala nakong nasabi.

they say im bitchy, i say im heavenly

You Are a Peacemaker Soul You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior'>http://www.blogthings.com/warriorsoul.html">Warrior Soul, Hunter'>http://www.blogthings.com/huntersoul.html">Hunter Soul and Visionary'>http://www.blogthings.com/visionarysoul.html">Visionary Soul What'>http://www.blogthings.com/kindsoulquiz.html">What Kind of Soul Are You?

reality bites.. it really does. and it hurts...

awakened by an sms... " you make me going for the day ahead.. i love mornings now we're together." i rush to the day.. finding my gray longsleeves, my fave pants, and a sling bag and watch to match... you sent me "i know youve been waiting for this.. i know you can make it." while waiting for the results of my i.q. test and my initial interview, u messaged "fret not.this is what He wants.He'll make it happen for you". stucked in a traffic jam, while being nonchalant to the profit hungry cab driver, i read my phone.. "you see.. congrats! can i be any prouder? mwah.Ü". while taking down the director's reminders, you texted me.. "im here outside..". ............. and then you give me a big hug.. smooches on my face... you hand me a dinner present. you tell me... i love you baby........ on my way home... you didnt forget to tell me thru my mobile "you take lotsa care. i wont forgive myself if sumthin happens to you." bleep... bleep.. (reality check....) 1 new message.. Baby.... "ey, sory, cnadya k hwag mgtxt para hwag mas masira araw agad nyt mo sa ust. d ako nag 6-9 knna, kse ksama ko c tere. 2nd month namin and now im writing my blog.

human nature

i may not really doubt my feelings now, but what im really not sure of is if i can still stay longer like this. can i still manage to be happy with where i am now. as what ive always been telling myself and to the world.. i understand... totally. but whats scaring me is that it seems its just a one way process now.. or perhaps im just asking too much.. that i am again forgetting those little acts of love and concern...but whats scaring me more is him not being able to understand and instead of doing something to keep something so important to him, he'll just let go... because he believes that in such way could only prevent some other problems. i believe in that too sometimes.. but different ailments needs different treatments. this could destroy or bring much more improvement on our relationship. i know he'll be able to read this. i am not sure if he'll be happy with the thought of me writing this down instead of telling him directly... uhmm, have i not? or should this thing be told because as far as i know, u must know what someone needs from you too, especially when u say you love him. leah said im just missing him. and because he cant call me nor text (which im sure has reasons whether valid or not). i m frustrated, because he would be the person i would want to run to now... now that i am again in a not so lovely state. he is the person i would want to talk to unload my baggages. he is the first person i would want to break the news with that ill be working soon. but he's too busy. busy for important things i know are essential..that he barely has the time for me. but i again understand. but i hope he knows whats the bottom line of all of these.. and of all of the things we've argued about. i am not even trying to wash my hands for i had my share of shit too, but in whatever aspect you look at it.. he could only be the person who could change things.... but i know he's not yet ready. and i again understand. i hope the lord will give me much more strength to endure these.. for i have my needs too.. and more optimism that soon, he'll come to realize that i have been staying with him for so long already despite all the negative things that happened and that i am very musch willing to stay longer. i am human, i need to be loved, is that too much to ask from you?

suddenly...

despite the pressure of me needing to be employed as soon as possible.. i wasnt very much worried like before (when i first experienced how it was to become a bum). perhaps what time has generously taught me for the past two years or so, has hepled me a lot cope thru my changing needs and issues in life... the sun shines after the rain. i have laid all my plans and wants and needs to the lord, (i may not be a practicing catholic but i do have a nice relationship with Him). i told Him its all up to Him now. i have resolved my issues about working for a call center again and even trying to get in to the cruise ship industry which mari, a friend from ccp has offered to me. i am ready to work. armed with so much hope and enthusiasm, i have started making things happen. but the lord is so so good.. He has given me so many more options.. now i got a project in angeles, pampanga. its the lova palooza. and also another one which i intend not to mention for the mean time for the purpose of not jeopardizing it. thanks so much to the people who have continuously helped me. their unconditional generosity has changed me in a way or two. thanks thanks... *smooches* now, i wont be wearing my pyjamas all day long anymore.Ü