mga lalaki sa buhay ni ryan omar

unconventionally, i grew up with the company of straights (both boys and girls). i would have gay friends but we werent really in just one clique. i started smoking and drinking and playing billiards (which now is very strange thing for me to do) with my guys. and the fun they showed me fed my masculinity, in a broader sense of the word. unapologetic, carefree, fast-paced, risky, and experimental. just like my bitches, these guys have been with me since the time i was wearing my socks knee-length tp pair with my nicely pressed khaki shorts and patched polo. for most of my pre-adolescent life, they have have served as my shock-absorber, they can neutralize the intensity of my drama queen tendencies at times of my melancholy. they were like my big kuyas everytime some other pathetic straight guys would manifest their illogical uhmmm.. call it homophobia. they were there to bug me at home whenever they wanted to have breakfast after their "boys night-out". they were there to screen the guys i was dating. they were there to assay guy stuff whenever my bitches freak out and perceive men to be from mars. they were there. they have always been there. and im missing them so much and it hurts to be away from them. i love my guys. and i dunno what else to say.

good morning sweet pea

i woke up smiling today. and im not pretty sure why i did. i could blame it on having a complete 8 hours of dead sleeping, or maybe because of the fact that its payday today and not to mention its the end of the work week.. i dunno. but whatever the reason could be, i wouldnt even care less.. im just happy. and im gonna savor this moment for i have been feeling the mediocrity of my life for the past weeks and hell, i deserve a break!!

so fuck off anyone who would ruin my day.. today im gonna be fabulous!

...

this is one of those nights that im really apprehensive of..

a lot of times, i would catch myself wanting to write about this matter but i would eventually keep myself from doing so because i feel its nothing serious compared to the really matter of life and death problems of the universe, that even before the act of writing about it, just the mere thought of singlehood and romance annoys me. it annoys me in a way that i know i shouldnt be thinking about this. annoying because i know that even if im not blessed now with a better half, im truly one of god's most favored children because of the magnanimous blessings ive received from him. annoying because i myself abhor people who whine and let themselves be overpowered by the "sadness" they feel because theyre single.

but tonight, i just couldnt handle it anymore. i feel lonely and sad. no man to kiss me goodnight, no guy to pat my back and say i did a great job at work, no boy to walk with me on the shoreline, no man who could handle my mood swings, no boy i could go to the grocery and cook for, no guy who would tell me i look divine even if im wasted, no boyfriend whom i could nag and be demanding with, no guy who could handle the wits and uniqueness of my friends, kuya, and mama, no boyfriend who will watch and critique theater plays with, no guy who could just be lazy with the whole day, no guy i could talk to about nothingness, no man who could appreciate my perfect me because of my flaws.

i know there's an ocean of male species outside my shell, but i dont want just anyone else. i want someone. i want the one. and i dunno how i could find him. i dont know how he could find me, for i am too busy... too busy working my ass off at work so the feeling i have now that i have been suppressing and being rational about would just drown to oblivion.

ill be better tomorrow.

P.S.

if this entry would create conclusions, please spare me the "you will find the one" or "your right time will come" statements. i know that very well. im just sad right now and thats just about it. i will never be childish about this.

there's something about my nilagang baka.

so finally, im joining the bandwagon as how kuya would put it.

he was very pushy with me reviving my blog and creating a multiply account. but for the longest time i was hesitant, for im the type who would want least maintenance of my stuff and i just have more gthan enough personal and work-related accounts to sign in to, reply to messages, and log out for the next day's the same cycle.

and in this cosmopolitan ennui in the gulf they refer to as Dubai, the Arabs are more hypocritically disturbed than some Filipinos (whether way back home or anywhere in the globe). They block sites that for them can alter their traditions and customs. Oh well.. maybe thats wny many locals are being put to the justice hall because of sexual harrassment et al. And Multiply is yes ladies and gents.. blocked. I emailed Etisalat ( a govt subsidized mobile and isp company) and aired my thoughts and rantings> unexpectedly, the webamster was polite enough to reply promptly but he said they couldnt unblock the site for it was tagged as a "dating" site. And just like that, i gave up.

Funny thing is, the only way that I could access Multiply is if I Im in the office and due to the incredulous work sched i have, i couldnt log in to it, and because i want a blog entry to finally launch it which apparently i cant do, my multiply's opening salvo has been on hold for three weeks now... and just a few moments later, while cooking nilagang baka for lunch did i only realize that theres this technology which enables blogger to export blog entries to my multiply.. and hence... im writing this long narrative.

am i writing too much about nothingness.?! maybe this would leave people hanging with what ive been telling them about my "grand launch". i leave the objectivity to my reader/s. but what the heck! i missed writing and i missed my old self. because as how madonna would sing it... "this used to be my playground".

city and state please?..Ü

its been a month.. oh well almost, since i last had the drive to post sumthin in my teeny-bopperish blog.Ü i dunno.. i just didnt feel like doing so....

be over with your woes.. im back. (hello fans!)

kiddin aside..

good news.. im no longer a bum.. theres somethin now im gonna be busy with...

im working for rmh teleservices... and i feel sumthin different but positive with this company and my employment... i hop rthis time i could make things happen.

when boredom strikes.. narcissism rescues

Men See You As Desirable Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

day one..

mai sings ... "and im doing just fine. getting along very well without you in my life.... im doin just fine. time made me stronger.. youre no longer on my mind." a couple of an exchange of texts with my equally bitchy grace.. MAI : hey.. wala lang.. i just feel sad. i know its the best thing to happen right now.. i know also ill be fine.. its just that im sad.. sinusumpong ako ng lungkot. GRACE : ur entitled to that. jst dnt overdo it. u cn never really appreciate happiness until uv hit that low point. MAI : thanks for being resilient like what uve always been when im not. GRACE : Not really, i work on it a lot. stay fab! big hug..

finally..

i was successful with my plan. i didnt want to put an end to whatever's been going on between me and jonas... because i know i wouldnt have the balls to stick to my decision, so i just let him be himself and hurt me so id subconsciously reach the point of me giving up...

and now i am gradually falling out of love.

after not texting nor calling each other for two or three days, i gave him a call.

finally.. he ended it.

after more than 7 months of generally being at peace and happy with each other's company.. after all the i love you's and please stay with me..... after all the i-understand statements.... after all the heartaches... after all the sacrifices.... after all the perks... jonas isnt over sam yet.

what kills me more is that he is now entertaining the thought of splitting up with tere for sam.. which he never thought of during our time..

thank you lord for helping me and making me sane and fine.

i am sad.. but i have no regrets. i have loved someone unconditionally, and more than to anyone else.. i should be proud of myself for that.. and i am.

some things arent really meant to be. and of of those is us.

i am sad.. but not for long.Ü

uhmmm.. hmmm...

".... yes i love u and i want you to stay. but i cant be with you. ill be like this for long.. invisible." uhmm.. ok. wala nakong nasabi.

they say im bitchy, i say im heavenly

You Are a Peacemaker Soul You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior'>http://www.blogthings.com/warriorsoul.html">Warrior Soul, Hunter'>http://www.blogthings.com/huntersoul.html">Hunter Soul and Visionary'>http://www.blogthings.com/visionarysoul.html">Visionary Soul What'>http://www.blogthings.com/kindsoulquiz.html">What Kind of Soul Are You?

reality bites.. it really does. and it hurts...

awakened by an sms... " you make me going for the day ahead.. i love mornings now we're together." i rush to the day.. finding my gray longsleeves, my fave pants, and a sling bag and watch to match... you sent me "i know youve been waiting for this.. i know you can make it." while waiting for the results of my i.q. test and my initial interview, u messaged "fret not.this is what He wants.He'll make it happen for you". stucked in a traffic jam, while being nonchalant to the profit hungry cab driver, i read my phone.. "you see.. congrats! can i be any prouder? mwah.Ü". while taking down the director's reminders, you texted me.. "im here outside..". ............. and then you give me a big hug.. smooches on my face... you hand me a dinner present. you tell me... i love you baby........ on my way home... you didnt forget to tell me thru my mobile "you take lotsa care. i wont forgive myself if sumthin happens to you." bleep... bleep.. (reality check....) 1 new message.. Baby.... "ey, sory, cnadya k hwag mgtxt para hwag mas masira araw agad nyt mo sa ust. d ako nag 6-9 knna, kse ksama ko c tere. 2nd month namin and now im writing my blog.

human nature

i may not really doubt my feelings now, but what im really not sure of is if i can still stay longer like this. can i still manage to be happy with where i am now. as what ive always been telling myself and to the world.. i understand... totally. but whats scaring me is that it seems its just a one way process now.. or perhaps im just asking too much.. that i am again forgetting those little acts of love and concern...but whats scaring me more is him not being able to understand and instead of doing something to keep something so important to him, he'll just let go... because he believes that in such way could only prevent some other problems. i believe in that too sometimes.. but different ailments needs different treatments. this could destroy or bring much more improvement on our relationship. i know he'll be able to read this. i am not sure if he'll be happy with the thought of me writing this down instead of telling him directly... uhmm, have i not? or should this thing be told because as far as i know, u must know what someone needs from you too, especially when u say you love him. leah said im just missing him. and because he cant call me nor text (which im sure has reasons whether valid or not). i m frustrated, because he would be the person i would want to run to now... now that i am again in a not so lovely state. he is the person i would want to talk to unload my baggages. he is the first person i would want to break the news with that ill be working soon. but he's too busy. busy for important things i know are essential..that he barely has the time for me. but i again understand. but i hope he knows whats the bottom line of all of these.. and of all of the things we've argued about. i am not even trying to wash my hands for i had my share of shit too, but in whatever aspect you look at it.. he could only be the person who could change things.... but i know he's not yet ready. and i again understand. i hope the lord will give me much more strength to endure these.. for i have my needs too.. and more optimism that soon, he'll come to realize that i have been staying with him for so long already despite all the negative things that happened and that i am very musch willing to stay longer. i am human, i need to be loved, is that too much to ask from you?

suddenly...

despite the pressure of me needing to be employed as soon as possible.. i wasnt very much worried like before (when i first experienced how it was to become a bum). perhaps what time has generously taught me for the past two years or so, has hepled me a lot cope thru my changing needs and issues in life... the sun shines after the rain. i have laid all my plans and wants and needs to the lord, (i may not be a practicing catholic but i do have a nice relationship with Him). i told Him its all up to Him now. i have resolved my issues about working for a call center again and even trying to get in to the cruise ship industry which mari, a friend from ccp has offered to me. i am ready to work. armed with so much hope and enthusiasm, i have started making things happen. but the lord is so so good.. He has given me so many more options.. now i got a project in angeles, pampanga. its the lova palooza. and also another one which i intend not to mention for the mean time for the purpose of not jeopardizing it. thanks so much to the people who have continuously helped me. their unconditional generosity has changed me in a way or two. thanks thanks... *smooches* now, i wont be wearing my pyjamas all day long anymore.Ü

on wearing my pyjamas the whole day..

up by 3pm... had lunch... i had rice and kuya's salpicao. and then i cleaned the house.. and then i took a bath.... then i played my mariah cd... then i bought dinner... of copurse i ate again.. then i took a shower again so as to be able to put on body oil ( i luv this).... then i watched some lousy kapamilya shows... then i had dinner again.... then i talked to my baby (he's now recuperating.. thank god)..... then i am now online. see, there are so may things to do when you have nothing else important to do. and this is what you call.... a bum star's life. (but this wont be long). Ü

to help you in deciphering the crabbed star

Red 2x4 brick

You're the average red 2x4 that people always reach
for first whenever they are making a house.
Everyone has tons of you, yet for some reason
almost no one can manage to make an entirely
red house.


What Lego piece are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you know you have loved when you lost the one

i woke up and u were the first thing on my mind. while still in bed, i looked on my other side and only petipa was there. its been a week. where have you gone? i hold u liable for mom's sickness.she would be looking for you everywhere and calling out your name every night worried for you might not have eaten yet.i want to cuddle you and carry you in my arms once again. you have made me believe i am understood when i was gloomy. you listened when i had no one to talk to. your meow is more than enough to make me smile whenever i come home tired and restless. i miss you baby queenie. please come back. tell me we havent lost you yet. we are just waiting for you to come back home. :(

one of the few stolen moments..

*while listening to till they take my heart away (i wuv u baby) just like any other plans of meeting we had before, i wasnt expectant. my baby had all the reasons, valid though (i want to believe). in fairness, i had my share of stuff too for the jeopardy of our dates.Ü going back last night, i was flabbergasted upon hearing him say "i need to sleep. ayokong may eye bags ako pag nakita kita tom." so did the clock strike its time to prepare. i was very excited. i was in galleria 10:45 since he said he'll be waiting for me in between 10:30-11am. and so, i texted him saying i was there already. and he said he'll be there in no time. so i strolled.... and strolled... and window-shopped.. and strolled again. until i realized it was already 12. i was starting to get annoyed.. rather i was really ANNOYED. i dont want to be kept waiting. and he arrived. and i was still annoyed.. on the verge of blabbing, but i had self-control. s0 went to fix salon, just what our main agenda was. i said to the counter girl that jonas' hair (okay, nasabi ko na name nya.) be done by leo, my stylist. i seated next to him as i browsed on a mag and more oftenly checked on him.. manipis pala buhok nya, i realized. anyway, i was praying his do turns alrighty... he trusted me to let his crowning glory be cut.. SHORT. and so it did turn out not just okay but.. PERFECT. i giggled. kinilig ako. ang pogi ng baby ko lalo. he now looks 10 years fresher. and then, he wasnt really feeling comfy. di daw sya sanay. parang mataas daw masyado ung buhok nya. mukha daw sya punk. he was worried that his friends might make fun of him. he was worried that he might not be able to fix it on a daily basis. then i shared to him my hair regimen, since ive been keeping this kind of do since hi school, so i should say im no longer an abecedarian on self-hair styling. then we had lunch. im not really sure, but people were looking at us. he was beginning to be touchy and cheezy. kaya kinilig ako lalo.Ü then we headed to the bus stop. he went to his class and i fetched leah in school. he was really sweet while we were on our way. the people were secretly looking i knew. but i tried not to mind kasi sasabihin nanaman nya na kinakahiya ko siya.we exchanged our bags. my green sling bag is with him now and im using his black backpack (sabi pa ni leah jonas subconsciously knew that i needed a bigger one kasi i had to bring home her gifts for mom) i was quite ranting for there was no traffic, so sandali ko lng sya makakatabi... sigh, then he went down to bustillos and i told him to take a pedicab going to uste. then i met up with leah already. while with leah, i just couldnt get enough of how jonas looks now. so breathtaking. now better than brent.... far more better. *now singing "when can i see you again"

brand me

i panic most of the time when someone asks me if im single or not. i have this ongoing relationship with sanjo (thats not his real name for purposes of disguise since he's not out). weve known each other for more than a year i think.. but it was only six months ago that we started knowing each other and estimatedly 2 months of loving each other. the thing is, he has a girlfriend who said "yes" to him without sanjo asking. and now they are together. his friendster and blog and his fone are bombarded with the girl's presence, though i know its all a big shit. sanjo loves me. ( argue not., im over the phase of doubting. ive reconciled my issues already). we may not have the luxury of time to be together but its really no biggie. its quite a complicated story. perhaps on my next entries ill be able to assay that. sanjo loves me. i love him too. he has a girl he doesnt love. i existed already long before something wenton between the two of them. i am illegal technically, relationaship-wise because we're not officially together. what am i now? a mistress? a relationaship-wrecker? maybe not on the rebound... labels.... why do we give so much fuss about them? why am i so bothered? what am i now?

mai is crabbed?!

kuya thinks a crabbed star is a starlet who got crabs because of sleeping too much with others. its made sense i think..... but no. according to mr webster.......... crabbed - (adj) morose ; hard to decipher - and that is me. more oftenly misunderstood. hard to understand star - (n) a celestial body ; heavenly ; sparkling ; illuminating - do i need to explain further?Ü mai is a crabbed star.

and now im a blogger

it took me more than 2 hours to create this account. i thought this blogspot is as user-friendly as friendster.. but it isnt. thanks to kuya who painstakingly assisted me. or im not sure, am i just that computer illiterate that i find it hard to follow the "how to" stuff? anyway... the reason why i put up this account is because i viewed baby jo's tabula/s?.... and i was startled by its content.. since i am fond of doing things that would say something about myself ( i have a friendster, myspace, connexion, and hi5 account) i decided to hit that url address of blogspot (which kuya suggested) and voila. perfect. i just hope i would be able to sustain this. i just have a few queries... uhmmm... do i write here to tell the world what my whereabouts are or its just my thoughts about socially relevant things that would count? do i get to meet people here too? can i just write about anything i feel like writing?.. even profanity and promiscuity... is it okay to be just myself ( mushy, sometimes stupid, more oftenly bitchy aND eternally fab? Ü). uhmmm... i dont expect an answer. alrighty then. ill just write what my thoughts are candidly. besides its my space. geesh im a blogger. Ü do i make sense?