predicaments of a diasporic

Talk About Billing..

2008-11-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

from FESTIVAL HIGHLIGHTS, November 2008 Ish.

04/07/2008 10:13 am

2008-11-16T00:19:00.000-08:00

It’s nice to know….

It’s nice to know that someone cares…
Even if the sun doesn’t shine on me... it glares…
I can tell…. by the way you smile…by the way u stare…
It’s nice to know you care…

It’s nice to know that someone misses me…
I don’t have to ask…I don’t have to plea…
I can surely feel… its true…
It’s nice to know you do…

It’s nice to know that someone will always be there…
No matter what…no matter where….
I hope you won’t change… forever…
It’s nice to know you will be there….

Thank you....
I’m just happy knowing you…

Isn’t it nice to know?….

Home Is Where You Least Expect To Find It

2008-11-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

SHELTER is a story of a man who is torn between his familial responsibilities and his aspirations as a person. He then finds shelter in the arms of a man who makes him realize that its the self-worth that should be impulsing a person to do things for the other people he loves, and not just the mere tthought of urgency and obligation. Albeit the scenes of superficiality and promiscuity, SHELTER is a feel good movie that makes you want to be at pace with life and leave the city's bright lights and just be... HOME.

the soundtrack on the other hand makes you want to pack your bags and start the engine of a 90's car and just drive far away to nowhere..... while holding the hands of your Zach or Sean. ive seen the movie twice in a row last saturday and it made me smile even just for a moment at this tumultuous heart-breaking time of 2008. the credit goes to my other lovely couple friends.. catz and raya.

the setting is contemporary america, in the suburbs of san pedro. it mirrors the reality of social classes but not the wall that divides them. the movie deals with other issues like single parenting, coming out from the closet, and the relationships of a gay man to his sib. despite these dilemmatic and usually emo-like set-ups, the movie was treated lightly and managed to make its audience see reality on a different dimension.

the actors didnt seem to be abecedarians in their fields. i read that the main actors were real surfers so it was just a piece of cake for them to do it on cam. but it was their on-screen presence and their apt motivation to act that made them pull it through i should say, needless to say that they were really hot ;p

again, to the lovely and enviable love birds catz and raya, this is very timely. thank you for lending me the copy. the past weeks have been exhausting and making me an alcoholic. it gave me the time to introspect and made me snap to reality that i actually need not look further, because im already sheltered and am actually...

home.

almost there.

2008-11-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

this has been long overdue. blame it on my incoherent thoughts.. as to what i should be feeling and thinking given the circumstances. i may have sought for jack coke's company earlier tonight.. but im sure its me and not him who's writing these things.

its been almost a year of sweet nothinngess-es, a year of maybe's and assumptions.. almost a year of fighting for what i believed was an against-all-odds-righteousness, almost a year of not letting the chance pass of being with someone i deemed to be the right one. it was a mistake from the very start. it was a misery i have succumbed to, for it is very seldom that i meet a person with whom i can picture myself to be with for a decade or two or even forever if there is such thing. he was my favorite mistake. a mistake ive assumed to be right, blinded and not knowing where i wa sreally standing.

i didnt bring home the bacon, and that is a big axe on my ego and my crab-like self. in one way or another, that could be the reason why im feeling this guilt. guilt of knowing how harder it is for the other person whom he has spent most of his life with, to be clueless and waiting for what things may lead to between them. and for that, im grateful coz i know that what im undergoing now is uncomparable to what he's dealing with.

i have long accepted the fact that i will never have him. but what hurts me the most now, is the fact that he never tried to reach out and tell me whats really happening. im so frustrated that after almost a year of the companionship and being friends at the very least, he could bear not talking to me.. or even losing me. i thought i meant something to him, as what he has told me, as what his friendster comment has implied. he knows very very well how much he means to me. if he acknowledges the weight of the time we spent together literalyy and figuratively, he couldve done so many things to make me feel about such.

im still hurt and i just want to get riod of this shit. i know i will be at a better shape soon, because i want to.. and i have to.

almost there.

2008-11-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

im still hurt and i just want to get riod of this shit. i know i will be at a better shape soon, because i want to.. and i have to.

One Month in Doha and Counting..

2008-09-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

The passion for work that keeps me pre-occupied 24/7..

The reality of learning how to discern my emotions and take charge of them..

Adapting the "mind over matter" mantra to keep myself going despite the absence of the people I consider my life, my refuge, and my wonderwall..

Intoxicating myself with alcohol at the roof that the company has provided sans the scenes and the people I could socialize with..

Managing my own laundry without Ivy who, out of goodness would include mine with hers...

Eating forcefully without Leah telling me "try mo masarap to" over and over again...

Learning to discern the sensibility of saving over my one-day-millionaire attitude...

Keeping my bitchiness at bay whenever a colleague would be assertive of his desires, making him insensitive of what other people might want...

Learning how to enjoy at the company of middle aged businessmen, dignitaries and government officials...

Learning how to run a business and not just following my passion...

Eating take-aways almost thrice a day...

Not seeing the guy who makes me smile with his ways and means...

Sometimes partying and getting drunk albeit the alarm clock being set to 7am...

Struggling not to mix business with pleasure...

And hoping that time runs faster so I could go back sleep in our bed, go gaga over Chikka and its disciples, exchange gossips with my chums, eat the whole day and be lazy, and finally have a fucking haircut and shop for winter clothes.

Dubai is all the world compared to Doha.

Muse, Where Art Thou?

2008-09-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since the muses have entranced me to write about something. You can blame it on the work load that I face every minute.. take note.. every minute of my life (that little by little Im beginning to appreciate). Since my last blog, I have been through a lot of windfalls, perkiness and nothingness, so having no reason to write at all is not the matter of fact.

So now, Im trying to squeeze out all of my inspiration despite the absence of the muses.

But Im still unlucky.

Pakshet.

Nix Pechuela, Grace B., Jaynifurr, Bec, EJ Mallari, Mrs. J, Shellanie, Jared

2008-08-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

THE RULES: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse. You cannot tag the person who tagged you.

1. What would make your day worse?
--- going out of my temperature controlled flat to face another humid day of the universe.

2. At what age do/did you wish to settle down?
--- just recently. and im 24 now

3. What's your favorite genre in music?
--- Soul and old school rnb

4. What time did you sleep last night?
--- 3am

5. What are you doing right now?
--- answering this and chatting with jaynifurr. meron kaming modus operandi :)

6. Is there someone you're thinking of right now? Who?
--- Sweetie. Si Baby Boy awww..

7. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?
--- Either: 1. dress up and be fabulous, go out, and drink.

2. blog

8. If you were given a chance to choose a date for answering YES to your loved one what month is that?
--- it doesnt matter

9. What makes your day complete?
--- complete hours of sleep at night and isang pakilig moment ni sweetie

10. List 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
--- Geng: Tough, Smart Ass, Babae

11. How do you cope with boredom?
--- Eat, Sleep, Surf the net

12. Is there someone you love (d) who have hurt you in any way? Who?
--- Jonas & Sweetie

13. What is your dream?
--- short-term: Maging lifestyle show host

long-term: maging housewife

14. If you have one wish, what would you wish for?
--- LTR

15. Describe summer 08 in less than 10 words
--- masakit sa heart tsaka sa head ;p

16. Do you believe that dreams do come true?, Why?
--- naman. because a lot of my dreams have been realized already.

17. What will you do if your loved one ask you to go out??
--- mag leave ako sa owficce.

18. What do you look forward in 2008?
--- winter, increment

19. What song is playing in your head right now?
--- piece of sky

20. Who is your favorite singer?
--- mariah circa 90's

21. Is there anything about you that you would like to share?
--- contrary to popular belief.. im domesticated, quiet often times who revels on solitude.. and boring.

uhmm..

2008-07-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

Sentiments of a Could-Have-Been Mistress

2008-07-27T00:27:00.000-07:00

I am to be blamed for feeling miserable.

I pushed myself to the limit because I held on to the very minute ray of hope I had.

I was persistent because it is very seldom that I find a gem in a bed of stones.

I wanted to pursue you despite knowing that we can't be together because of certain circumstances.

I had to take my chances because I didnt want this rare moment of me becoming interested with a guy just pass, like it meant nothing to me.

I liked how our differences made us closer and more intimate.

I loved how my friends adored you.

I treasure you for being there at my lowest.

I was able to do things that were uncalled for because I wanted to see for myself what's with him that's making you faithful.. as you claim.

I am now confused with what's the truth behind all of your statements to me for I have seen things when I got back, that contradict your claim to fidelity.

I am hurt.. above all.

I am missing you so much.

I am helping myself and I just cant wait for me to be over you.

If you cant feel the same way I do to you, just please help me find myself again...

Because I have a fabulous life to attend to.

From the Eyes of the Divine

2008-04-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

This is actually a reposted comment from someone else's blog, which I was the subject. I had to think for 2 days whether I was going to write back (pertaining to the blogpost) or not.. but I chose not too, because.. uhmm.. you can say that I got tired of explaining myself. And besides, this reposted comment has implied all the thoughts i had.

I had to post this because..

I like it when people talk about me, negatively or otherwise. A star wouldnt be a star without the stir.

And this act of reposting is narcissism at its finest.

He is insensitive. No doubt. And he is obnoxious. And critical. And condescending. That's why people love to hate him. But also, that's why his real friends and his family love to love him. Because he is the only person who will never, under any circumstances, hold back in telling a person to his face what his opinions are of him.

Whether we, the people who love him unconditionally, accept his opinions of us or not, is our prerogative. Some chose not to. But we did; because the only way to be part of his legion of loved ones is to accept and love him back --- sunny weather or bitchy moment. Because he will forever be like that, and in an uncompromising fashion. See, God sent him to earth for that purpose: to be the wake up call of everyone who wishes to have an effective one that doesn't yield to threatening demands nor pathetic, whiny pleas of snooze.

So yeah, I would have to say that, being a person who saw him mature from a nursery kid with dagger eyes and a deleteriously frank tongue to a self-made career gay man with (still) dagger eyes and a deleteriously frank tongue, I definitely agree with you. He is insensitive. And he is obnoxious. And critical. And condescending. But he is loving, caring and very nurturing as well. Too bad for some people, they easily get intimidated or feel belittled by his acerbic way of delivering his honest-to-goodness opinions, they never get to see the motherly side of him.

an ode to my dearly loved pairs

2008-04-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

people have known you very well. for almost 3 years, you two have been with me at my flashy, trashy, and even mediocre instances. people may have gotten tired of your charm, but up to this very minute, you both are still my fave. in fact, im going to the back to that nursery-like house where most of your kind are juxtaposed to each other when i go back to manila on the 3rd quarter.

i know you both were used and abused. im sorry if i made you toil night and day, and let the unabashed Beko consume your wholeness during weekends. if its erratic to just want you to look divine again, then so be it. i know i am to blame for making you look this way now..

but please, dont ever think that i have forsaken you totally. its just that i really have to let you go at this point, and even bec agreed that its time we part ways. the last thing i would want to to happen now is for you both to be inflicted with the pangs of the society's dirt. so just let yourselves be enveloped by the Grayness of Ashkenany Supermarket.

your time with me is now asking to be put to a halt. maybe you are meant for bigger reasons.. dont be scared now. just let fate take you where youll be aplty supposed to be...

wait til i say "curtain" once more.. (a repost from my friendster blog)

2008-04-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

aside from my occupation which is stated in my profile, there is another thing i believe im meant to be doing. ive laid the pipelines of this a few years back, under the tutelage of very promising and noteworthy characters who played not only a big part in my thespian career but also in terms of my personality. and im taking a break now, and soon i shall be ingressing to the stage again, and perform my greatest passion.. where the frontals will be set brightly, as the scoring share the internalization i shall be doing with me.. set in a stage that a lot of people will be patronizing.. and from there as the production climaxes and as the conflict becomes reconciled, they shall be telling themselves i was worth the long wait.

my 2-year overdue director's note

2008-04-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

long have been the time that i have veered away from the things i used to do both to amaze and challenge my artistry and to flabbergast people with how i get things done. this is due to unnoteworthy extenuating circumstances ive gone through after college.. ive moved on and have chosen a different dodge that i believed would be more apt to my situation.

directing a stage play was one of my frustrations (and still is actually), i felt that there was a time in college that i was sagacious enough to mount one for ive been "jacking of all trades" for the longest time.. but i had a different calling. my mentors paved a different path for me and i was and still am very grateful for that because not only did they thwart my directing frustration 4 times, but they did also realize one of my childhood reveries - teaching.

for most of the people whom i have worked with, they would most likely regard to me as a mud slinger.. someone they were never able to please.. or someone who thrived in the obnoxious world of criticizing what for them was a sum of everything that they had to give (disclaimer : i never was greedy of praise, i knew how to give credit when it was due). i can never blame them for that because first.. i have the gift of looking sarcastic even if im euphoric.. and second because i chose to be uptight. uptight because most of them were novices and still nursing their newly grown wings.. uptight due to the moral i have learned the hard way that a show is worth the price and not your tears. uptight due to the lack of tenacity they had which needed some pressure to trigger it.. uptight because of the childishness that was lacking in tempo to shift to maturity and was causing their vulnerability to failure which was a major no-no. uptight because i wanted them to rationalize the things they were trying to accomplish and see how importnat these things are to them.

but now im scared that maybe there were times that the thin line between being uptight and professional and fearsome was almost not there.. maybe ive gone out of bounds.. and for that i am forever sorry. i never wanted to be regarded as a cruella devil and never would i want them to work only becasue of the pressure i was consistently putting on their faces.

looking back, maybe i was successful.. maybe my strategy worked well. not only were my or OUR shows successful and worth the price our audience paid for.. but the people who used to tremble and could almost pee on their pants whenever they see me coming, ranting, or even sitting quietly observing are now the mentors younger people look up to and now the people who do their own strategies to envision their fancies and make up for what they feel were lacking when i was at the director's seat..

perplexed in front of a traffic signal

2008-03-31T03:26:00.000-07:00

Ive kept my silence these past few weeks because the last thing I would want to occur is for the flame to be more fueled. I dont want to create an uproar with what seems to be a performing artist waiting for his light as his cue to start a gala. So as to become more objective, let me take each issue point by point. (pardon the incoherence should you see a lot of them. i myslef cannot put the pieces together).

1. After the South Boy, the Engr. was the only guy I was really in to. Uberly smart, focused, independent. His philosophy do not conform with the norms, but do not necessarily make him a deviant. He smelled good sans parfum and charming sans the trendy get-ups. Very much liked by my friends which was a very very big plus for me.. and above all... he can make me shut up and think before I utter any word that would support the world's claim of me being bitchy and irrational. But things were more complex than what most people think. He has someone in Manila, and he has priorities that are too formidable... too formidable that no one can ever make him get off his tracks to make him not attend to these. I respected that. Moreover, maybe the guy wasnt that in to me. And if he really wasnt, I would take that as a blessing in disguise because that was the faculty that made me realize that i cant be with someone who takes his relationships for granted. My relationships with my family, friends, myself, and with my partner (given the chance for me to have one) are what would make up Mai as a whole. Without them, I'll be oblivious. I miss him though and its just too pathetic to miss someone who I think doesnt even think of me even for the slightest minute. Ergo, I am pathetic because I miss the persona I saw in him. I fell for who he was and will fall again for the same character and not the person necessarily. As how Lea would put it.. " I remember the boy, but I dont remember the feeling anymore..".

2. I want THE relationship. Putting emphasis on the "THE" because I know that there is only one kind of relationship that I want and am looking for. I am in love with this idealism and not with just any superficially attractive guy who knows nothing else but to flash his beaming smile and machismo, mindless if he affixes "a's" with nouns starting with vowels and if he writes paragraphs with all the sentences starting with "actually". I know this desire is still far fetched. So Im taking my time.

3. On the other hand, I think I dont wanna get committed yet. I have soooo many things to accomplish that I even barely have the time to get a complete bed rest every night. I value my freedom and my space. I have a very promising career ahead of me, and a lot of people to share my precious time with. At which time of the day and days of the week will i give up if someone comes along?.. I can not provide answers as of now, which leads me to point 4...

4. I know how to have fun. Ive mastered this game as early as my tertiary days. I may not be as provocative as before (blame it on age and experience) but I still find physical pleasure once every blue moon. ...

Last night, the moon was blue. I had fun of course, but I think I ended waking up miserable this morning for a reason Im not aware of.

Now.. this is my dilemma. I dont know what I want. And I hate the feeling of uncertainty. I hate being left clueless, and confused. I can take a big blow of depression because I know where to get my armor from. But when Im uncertain, I dont know where to go. I dont know which part of me should be laboring night and day. And I hate that feeling.... Did I say I hate the feeling of being uncertain?!..

As how Dr. Meredith Grey blabbed..

"Too often the thing you want the most is the thing that you cant have. Desire leaves us heart broken.. it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who dont know what they want"

I cant be confused for a long time because I will be caught off guard by circumstances that may come. I need to think. I need to poke my intuitions. I need something to warm up.

A glass or two of vodka perhaps. Tonight.

I Got Tagged!!

2008-02-09T23:09:00.000-08:00

I got tagged and in response, I'm posting this series of odd things about me.

Rules: The first player of this game starts with the "6 weird things/habits about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read yours.

Six Weird Things About Myself:

1. Im having a hard time distinguishing colors. I flunked my entrance exam to UPIS when I was a kid, because I almost got a zero score in the Arts because of colors.

2. I can eat a kilo of butong pakwan in a day. I inherited this penchant for watermemlon seeds from La Remi.

3. I can just sing all day. Its very innate in me that I do not even realize Im singing most of the time.

4. I fart when I sleep. And not just a single fart. Its a series of farts. Ivy makes use of it as her alarm in the morning.

5. I hate it when my food and drink are too tasty. My juice would just have to have color, and I eat more rice than viand because I dont want to taste the dish that much.

6. Im very impatient with taxi drivers. I would have at least two follow-up calls from Dubai's Road and Transport Authority regarding different drivers in a week.

and Im tagging Nix, Divine Ryeness, Descended Goddess from the Himalayas, La Directora, Gengkukay, and Steve

friday madness

2008-02-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

divine ryeness replied.. "well it looks like its all about human relationships. mukhang nagiging inward ang energies mo. im guessing its just in the stars. siguro tina-transition ka. kasi si mamu and japs ganyan din ngayon. and youre all cancerians. its nothing to be alarmed about."

dr. meredith grey blabbed.. "Too often the thing you want the most is the thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heart broken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

i want to get away from it all and from them all. i have no issues... or maybe i havent just realized them yet.. i dunno. but i want to be quiet.. solitude teases me and i want to succumb. i have to do something else. i have to be somewhere. i want him but i dont want to be with him now.

and the hardest part is.. im all clueless about what i really want.

and its a friday night. im all alone in the house. im wearing my pj's. and im savoring every moment of my quietness and nothingness.

i need to slow down.. i think.

a hint of narcissism

2008-01-24T03:36:00.000-08:00

***What Ryan Omar Santiago Bautista Means***

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.
You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.
Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

breaking my silence

2007-12-14T00:07:00.000-08:00

basing on experience, this is another anthology of your "life". another episode of your exploration and seeing the world. and i know you will disagree.. and thats the act 2 of your story im talking about.

it seems strange that after more than a decade of being together and claiming that we know each other very much, that one need not talk about something for the other one to know how he feels and thinks, you fail to realize that your argument of your need to breathe and grow apart from us is actually MY mantra. and since im holding on to that principle, why would i stop you from expanding your horizons? you would even be the first one to get annoyed when we talk about this issue, claiming that theres really no fuss. i tried to understand and believe you, but your actions just wont suffice your standpoint. and based on how well i know you, that part has a subtext of "id be pissed off to get away with it coz i really cant justify my exploits (either by coincidence or by choice)".

to be fair to you, it really did start with a lame jealousy. i admit that with all conviction and pride because thats a simple gauge of how important you are to me. but you know, after sometime, the jealousy has metamorphosed into indifference.. thinking this too shall pass.. and later on after a few more dramas, the indifference has fashioned to hurt and disappointment. and yes i am hurting because you are disappoiting. disappointing for making ivy cry. hurting for leaving bec wondering. and im very hurt for you to be not practicing what you are preaching. my issue is not about you finding happiness and thrill in the company of other people because that is beyond my control. my issue is you going on circles and doing a LOT of things that are contradicting to your statements. you know you remind me very well of my first love. maybe we could talk more about this instead for you may be able to assay things to me better because you are of the same feather.

i miss you very much and it pains that you remain silent and away from the place youve referred to as your home. oh, i almost forgot the friendster comment you made. (my reply in bold)

"nothin's changed (try consulting your optometrist)..i love u soooo much and i love our sisters soooo much (until when was this?)...how can we let misunderstandings get in the way (honey, maybe you should ask yourself)..i feel so singled out (that was your choice)...i don't even know where to pick up the pieces...where did i go wrong?? (now thats a bigger problem) i miss u..i miss us...i'll no longer beg for your understanding..i know you guys are tired of me already..all i'm asking for now is for all of you to love me...again...(love is something you earn. and a simple friendster comment wont create a revolution. stand up and do what you say) "

and even before you start to misinterpret me again, im not asking you to leave or shut them off your system. they are good people with how i see them because if theyre not you wont even be with them at the first place. i just want you to know that in this season of "FRIENDS", youve been doing too much adlibs and youre way out of context. and absurdly, the director becomes powerless and only you.. ONLY YOU can say "CUT!"

now and then

2007-11-30T23:12:00.000-08:00

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Romania around the year 1800. Your profession was that of a map maker, astrologer, astronomer.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different. Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life.

from http://thebigview.com/pastlife/

blood, sweat, and tears

2007-11-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

ive never been this busy and loaded with work since i left the comfort of my school. the number of projects (events, theatrical releases, ppv's, etc) ive handled with my boss is just incredulously disproportional with my tenure at abscbn m.e. but what the heck, even if i breathe pressure instead of oxygen, work for 15 hours a day and even at my days off, and be haunted by deadlines in my dreams, and be an events specialist / kargador / messenger / crowd control / handler / flyering staff / editor / lagarista / writer / shock absorber / troubleshooter / f.d. / PR practitioner / alcoholic / etc / etc / etc all athe same time, im persistently being conscious about keeping my zeal, for this job is what ive prayed for and what other people envy of me. and it is but rare that someone gets to have a job where your bosses drag you for drinks during weekdays and eats a cheap but reliable 8 dirham meal with you.

among all the projects ive handled, so far this event im (we're all) prepping for is the most ambitious and has been causing me the most physical, mental, emotional, and social exhaustion. id rather not put reasons for my statement in to detail for i may never end. but this event is my baby. and my maternal instinct is just becoming so sheer, that i may have a heart ache when my baby would give up on me sooner or later.

the miranda hobbes in me

2007-11-04T19:46:00.000-08:00

this is actually a sequel to the blogpost "the samantha jones in me". and oh yes, its the same infamous guy.

after all the funny bedtime stories i had to tell, i had a chance to get to know the guy a little more. he was an accountant. a specie who thrives on counting and organizing digits which is a far cry from what i do. a kapampangan, which i though of as an advantage coz we could revel on food having the same intemsity of liking over it anytime we want. he was 28, a very promising and crucial age for me. promising coz im assuming that at such age, he would have a broader perspective about love, life, and everything in between... crucial because if at such age, he can be still be childish and juvenile as a junior high kid, he's a scum. so it could be a make or break age kind of thing for me. and most of all, he was very persistent. and his persistence seemed almost like a deja vu for me, except that he went over being persistent and exceeded my expectations. and admittingly, i was flattered and overwhelmed. its been a while since a guy did such a big gesture for me. . call it evil but i liked the idea of him wooing me. not because im so into him but because, (yes you can strangle me with this revelation) it fed my ego. but to be fair to me, i told him i cant promise anything and that it would be better if we would just enjoy each others' company. but he just kept on going and i thought to just let him be, though often times i found it hard to make excuses and alibis when he he would ask me out.

until last night....

we were exchanging sms's, yoiu know the usual boring, predicatble, lame stuff.. "how was your day".. "im fine".. things like that. until this message was sent to me "nakita mo na ako diba, tell me how do you find me? sana nag-hi ka man lang". so i returned the message to him quoting the one he mistakenly sent me with "- wrong send". he said sorry after and explained. and i just replied "inaantok nako. ill text you tom". and this morning, he asked me thru text if im angry. i said "no, why should i be. i perfectly understand. but i guess this should re-validate my reason why we should stay as friends only. aside from me having so much to think about work, my friends, and family, i dont need someone who hasnt outgrown his pre-adolescent days yet".

he was telling me i can be his everything and and yet still can entertain someone else..

honey, this gay polygamy reminds me of my college queendom days. and im way ahead of it coz i am a already pro and

theres no way im turning back.

ill never stop being hopeful

2007-11-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

krissy's "ode to the four people i had treasured the most"

it was really unfortunate that time, distance and misunderstanings brought us to where we are now. i know, we had hurt one another in very unexpected ways. i was really sorry for whatever i had done wrong. i think about that until now. i, we, had remained silent about everything. pretending nothing happened. letting each day pass as if a part of our life has been erased from our memories.

i admit i am not as sober as i can be. but honestly speaking, i could have never written this if i was. numerous people may think that i am transparent but a number would disagree to that.

yes, i am strong but to the people i treasure most i get hurt easily. i may pretend to shove it off my shoulder yet deep down i am bleeding. not that i am a hypocrite or anything, i would just like to weigh things, think about everything before i react.. and if i think it is not just, i would not dare crash.

this day, if i am not mistaken is close to the day when everything shattered upon us. yes, i am still aching. yes, i still do not know where to pick up the pieces.

if i am speaking vaguely it is beacause i just don't know where to start. maybe i should start by saying sorry and it was really unfortunate that such a great friendship could result to what we are now... strangers!

one by one i would like to address you guys. you may or may not read this or give a damn about this. i just want to share what i have been feeling about everything that happened as a closure to everything.

mai, thank you for being an amazing friend. i know we have metrics and metrics of differences but i really appreciate your effort in trying to understand me, my life, the changes i have gone through and the parts of our life that could never really ever ever meet. i really am speehless to your resilience as a friend. i try to return the favor in more ways that i can.

leah, i am happy to see that all your dreams are finally falling to place. we might have qualms about almost everything, we have been bestfriends to almost being strangers but rest assured that i pray for the best that could happen to your life as much as i can. again, value yourself the way we value you. we may sometimes think that we value ourselves enough but truth is we really don't, to the eyes of others.

ivy, the person who honestly have hurt me the most.. despite all that, i am also happy to see you having as much contentment as you have wanted. you have great friends that support you in whatever endeavors you take. i have valued what we had post this "silent war" days. i just really wished you had given me the same respect as i gave you. though, what i think was sufficient may be different from yours. you have other loyalties. i just hope you are now braver in facing your emotions as compared to before. you are precious the way you are, i know we have different ways of dealing with things and i respect your way. i have come into terms with that. i just wished it had not come to this point.

paullyne, the person i know least about. well, i heard that you are at present engaged.. congrats! frankly, i just wished before, that you knew how to listen to both sides before letting out reactions undue to each person. i wouldn't waste my time, telling you what really happened. you would remain deaf to it. i just feel the need to put it briefly. it was a joke misunderstood, that's it. i would have appreciated you asking me what really happened before all the commotion got out. remember that there are always two sides to a coin. one could have seen it in a way that the other did not.

people most often destroy themselves with the hatred they bear. i choose to be not one of them, that is the reason i wrote most of what i feel that i could translate into words in this soliloquy.

when all is said and done, we have lives of our own, separate from the life we together sought and grew with. i just hope all is well with you guys. be at peace and contented. it is not the life full of glamour

my music box

2007-10-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

mail_for_ryan: language barrier is fun sometimes
mai bautista: not when it interferes my work
mail_for_ryan: true
mai bautista: alam mo ba na iahd 10k tickts printed for my concert on dec
mail_for_ryan: your concert?
mail_for_ryan: singer ka?
mai bautista: and itong tickets na ito eh kelangn tatakan sa dept of tourism isa isa.. and after weeks of meetings with world trade center , pagdating ko sa deot of tourism kanina mali ang tickets
mai bautista: bukas ang alis mo?
mai bautista: direcho cebu yan?
mail_for_ryan: tonight.
mail_for_ryan: 12:50
mail_for_ryan: OMG!
mail_for_ryan: so pano gagawin mo sa tix?
mai bautista: tinapon ko na
mai bautista: re-print!
mai bautista: revise muna pala tapos reprint
mail_for_ryan: that's worth how much?
mai bautista: 3k dhs
mai bautista: printing cost
mail_for_ryan: sheesh!
mail_for_ryan: i hope your bosses didn't take it out on you
mai bautista: hindi naman. dahil hindi ko kasalanan. pero nanghihina ako dahil dapat out na sya sa market this week
mai bautista: eh after printing, papa-tatakan pa lahat.. tapos i a-account tsaka ibebenta
mai bautista: gudluck
mai bautista: tue na now
mai bautista: off na sa fri
mail_for_ryan: so kelan na malalabas yan?
mai bautista: dapat this friday
mai bautista: tapos yung certification pa ng next movie dito na showing nov 1 & 2 pinapa attest pa sa pinas
mai bautista: so isang goodluck pa ulit
mail_for_ryan: ok lang yan
mail_for_ryan: it's issues like that that test your willpower and pressure capacity.
mail_for_ryan: and when u surpass them,
mail_for_ryan: walang ibang aani ng credit kundi ikaw.
mai bautista: i know.. kaya lang feeling ko kasi i dont meet their expectations.. kahit na hindi ko kasalanan, its my responsibiltiy pa din
mail_for_ryan: that in itself gives you credit.
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel that way.
mail_for_ryan: don't be bothered.
mail_for_ryan: it shows your reliable sense of responsibility.
mail_for_ryan: and thank oca nad rems for that
mai bautista: i know. pero kuya, alam mo naman din na sa ganitong klase ng trabaho.. effort isnt enough. we need results
mai bautista: good results
mai bautista: efficient results
mai bautista: and i fail to be efficient
mail_for_ryan: KUNG kasalanan mo.
mail_for_ryan: e hindi naman e.
mail_for_ryan: the effort you put into the whole fiasco is just making u a hero.
mail_for_ryan: if u fail, u don't really fail.
mail_for_ryan: u just don't become a hero.
mail_for_ryan: pero hindi kabawasan sa yo bilang empleyado.
mail_for_ryan: kumbaga,
mail_for_ryan: they're only expecting a 10 from u.
mail_for_ryan: u're already going out of your way to deliver a 15.
mail_for_ryan: if u don't meet that,
mail_for_ryan: ok pa rin.
mail_for_ryan: nasa 10 ka namn e.
mail_for_ryan: you're giving them just enough of what they need.
mai bautista: sana nga ganun. ewan ko basta i feel bad
mail_for_ryan: it's ok to feel pressured.
mail_for_ryan: embrace it.
mail_for_ryan: but not bad.
mail_for_ryan: embrace pressure because coping with pressure is a gift that not everyone has.
mail_for_ryan: others will commit suicide for this, you know!
mail_for_ryan: pero tayo...
mail_for_ryan: well... we managed to live and stay in a good school for more than 6 years nang walang inaasahang monthly income.
mail_for_ryan: we're fit for this.
mail_for_ryan:
mail_for_ryan: and we not only cope, mind you.
mail_for_ryan: we have poise, panache and elan under extreme pressure!
mai bautista: im trying hard

masochism is what one is left with

2007-10-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

"i count him braver who overcomes his desires, than him who conquers his enemies. for the hardest victory is the victory over himslef".

ang hirap kalabanin ang sarili. pero wala naman choice. so its either mahirapan ka or you give up. and like i said, giving up is not a choice.

(and then a thought...)

egg sandwich!

eat when you cant write. and everything will be fine.

2007-10-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

right now... right this very minute.. i wanna write about something. but i cant coz if i do, he'd have a hint that its him im talking about. and metaphors and disguises wont do.

so, this leaves me another option.. eat. and let this inspration of writing pass.

the samantha jones in me

2007-10-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

last night was very sex and the city. and i deserved and emmy for that.

two hours after arriving home from work, a greek-godly physique with a peasant's face was at my doorstep. and when i opened the door for him, his first statement was "ang layo pala nito. here's your oreo mcflurry." and i had to tell him that the cab driver wouldve probably taken a different route from his place to mine. thats why it had to take 40 bucks out from his pocket and an exchange of gibberish and gramatically and politically incorrect speeches with the southern indian cab driver.

then we talked and talked over my cup of mcflurry and his green salad. and the next thing i knew was, his lips were the ones i was already nibbling instead of the spoon i was using (call that a mannerism).

and in an effort to cut the long story short, we were in bed. and the smell of promiscuity was very sheer.

and then the funny parts...

he was busy spotting my weak points in my neck while telling me how much he liked me eversince. even when we werent formally introduced yet and all he had were glimpses of a drunken me at the bar almost every weekend.. (oh yes im self-absorbed!) and then he blurted out while doing his thing "i wanna know you more. can we have dinner? i think you'll be perfect for me." and my slip of the tongue "Oh my god!" and what i meant was "honey, wake up and smell the coffee". but i was moaning while saying that so i assumed he thought i liked his idea.

and then he wanted to get inside of me very badly his tongue reflexes had made my body succumb to his desires.. almost! i said no.. and then he blabbed "ok ill respect what you want. i dont want you to get hurt", with his both hands palmed on my cheeks. and i told him "just kiss me" where i think he interpreted it as something like "aww.. he respects me" when i meant "lets just have fun".

and i was late for a morning engagement with one of the suppliers for my december event. and on my way back to work.. his sms was "I really had a great time with you last nyt, ewan ko ba if wut im feeln ryt now is ryt bec i think im missin you already. how about tonight?" sabi ko.. "may prob si bec eh. she wants the four of us (ivy, leah, bec, and me) to talk. ill let you know."

it was quite rude. but it was hilarious. blame it on my penchant for sex and the city. its sensibility and humor has gotten into my system already. and that was fabulous..

Remake of 80's Classic - "The Working Girls"

2007-10-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

isa sa mga pinoy classic movies na super love ko at tawang-tawa ako ay "The Working Girls". Eto na sila after almost 2 decades.. Hehe.

(Clockwise starting at 12 of the clock)

1. Si Shelie - na-chugi sa huling trabaho kung saan sya ay isang boss, or nag fi-feeling boss na papasok an hour late at magbabasa pa ng dyaryo sa reception habang nagpapatimpla ng kape sa Nepali na office boy. Ngayon.. isa na syang OB-GYNE. :)

2. Si Leah - siya si Ms. London. FA ng isang airline company na nag re-recuperate pa lang sa galit at pagka-suklam sa isang Ehiptong pokpok. Tawag sa kanya ng kanyang bahay-alak ay "Madam".

3. Si Mai - Siya ang may attitude problem sa kanilang lahat. Siya ang kanang kamay ng landlady nilang si Ivy. Isa syang events planner-slash-messenger-slash-kargador-slash-shock-absorber sa opisina. Minsa'y naging istokwa din siya.

4. Si Jay - Little Ms. Philippines. Baklang may lovelife na nagpapatuyo ng sabon sa mukha pag day-off. Siya ang reyna ng isa sa mga pinakamalaking designer boutique sa mundo. Ka-level ng Monakiki sa Pinas.

5. Si Mitch - ang escort ng Little Ms. Philippines. Shy and coy ang drama sa umpisa pero binabawi sa paghilik sa pagtulog. He can rock your world pag natulog kayo sa isang kwarto! Siya ang prinsesa ng Palm Jumeirah.

6. Si Ivy - Siya ang landlady na buong pusong tinatanggap ang kanyang role sa bahay. Kahit sa pagtulog ay alam nyang overcooked ang pasta o merong hindi nagsara ng toilet seat. Mdami din syang reklamo sa buhay. Bet sya ng boss nyang mayaman na matanda.

7. Si Bec - wala sya sa litrato kaya wag mo na sya hanapin. pero nakabukas ang mata nya pag natutulog. ganunpaman, ibang level ang mga ka-date nya sa pinas. kaya naman pinilit nyang magka sore eyes kesehodang ikabulag nya ang pabangong in-spray nya sa mata nya. isa din syang FA. siya ang Ms. Philippines.

Eto sila. Sa mata ng karamihan ay puro lang saya. Sa iba naman ay mga kabataang pariwara. Pero ang hindi nila alam ... madami pa silang hindi alam.

(ang larawan ay kuha sa Irish Village na ngayon ay Century Village na.. dinner-dinneran lang after work with shisha on the side. )

mai = attitude problem

2007-10-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

i was at my fave place in our flat - kitchen, doing my usual chores which i deem therapeutic, when suddenly catharsis took place. i told my other fabulous gay friend Jay ( who stays at our place every weekends with shelie and mitch ), I think im becoming more of like someone I used to be nonchalant with.. my mom. I realized how obsessive-compulsive I can be and how meticulous I can get with how things get done at home - laundry, cooking, dishes, everything. And now I know how annoying it could be when youve told someone how to deal with houesehold chores and all they say is yes without even absorbing what and why I told them such. And I love the way I am now.. and I love my mom for being the nagger that she was.

oh how I miss remi. and when i get back to murphy, Id love to hear her scream at the top of her lungs again and wake me up at 1 in the afternoon.

and maybe, just like this realization im having now, when im gone and far away with the people im now with, they'll be ablt to appreciate the "attitude problem" theyve branded me with.

AP ba ako?!

still in love.. and still cant. how's that?

2007-10-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

my friendster shout out has been creating too much stir with my friends. sabi nila, "go ahead and keep telling that to yourself", and yes i am. out of the 5 things that would make me happy.. namely family, friends, career, myself & god, and love.. i have 4 of them and that should be enough. maybe i am convincing myself at one point there, they're right about that. and thats because i feel stupid for feeling inadequate. having the majority of the things i want to covet, thats more than life being fair. and it is but selfish to ask for everything.

but this time it hits me. i feel alone. its almost a bingo. and thats the sad thing.. its just almost. im the type who would think of romance as the least thing the one should be worrying about. and for the longest time.. that has been my predicament. not until me and uhmmm.. errr.. "J" have opened our communication lines open. we've been friends since the heartbreaking, world-rocking, and mind-splitting break up, but its just recently (and when i say recent meaning last night) we have affirmed to each other our love. love that hasnt died yet and is now becoming more palpable. and it pains me that theres nothing realistic i could do about what we both feel now. at the same time, i feel guilty for always being cynical when he says he misses me and how ive become a part of his life.. that he couldnt jump into another relationship because he stll loves me. it hurts that despite the mutual feelings we have towards our situation and towards each other, theres nothing else we could do but just wait for years for us to be together again. shit. sabi ko kay lord gusto ko na ma-in love ulit. and i am.. with the same person. sana pala sinabi ko din sa kanya na gusto kong ma-in love and i wanna be with him at the same time.. maybe things wouldve been less complicated....

but i told him we better move on and forget what we feel for each other. coz it wont help us both in any way. he's pursuing his life and career now, and i have just started pulling off my tracks.. and we just cant simply be together. we better go on with who we are now individually. and yes, its hard. but i have to.. and he has to as well. fuck love.

mga lalaki sa buhay ni ryan omar

2007-09-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

unconventionally, i grew up with the company of straights (both boys and girls). i would have gay friends but we werent really in just one clique. i started smoking and drinking and playing billiards (which now is very strange thing for me to do) with my guys. and the fun they showed me fed my masculinity, in a broader sense of the word. unapologetic, carefree, fast-paced, risky, and experimental. just like my bitches, these guys have been with me since the time i was wearing my socks knee-length tp pair with my nicely pressed khaki shorts and patched polo. for most of my pre-adolescent life, they have have served as my shock-absorber, they can neutralize the intensity of my drama queen tendencies at times of my melancholy. they were like my big kuyas everytime some other pathetic straight guys would manifest their illogical uhmmm.. call it homophobia. they were there to bug me at home whenever they wanted to have breakfast after their "boys night-out". they were there to screen the guys i was dating. they were there to assay guy stuff whenever my bitches freak out and perceive men to be from mars. they were there. they have always been there. and im missing them so much and it hurts to be away from them. i love my guys. and i dunno what else to say.

good morning sweet pea

2007-08-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

i woke up smiling today. and im not pretty sure why i did. i could blame it on having a complete 8 hours of dead sleeping, or maybe because of the fact that its payday today and not to mention its the end of the work week.. i dunno. but whatever the reason could be, i wouldnt even care less.. im just happy. and im gonna savor this moment for i have been feeling the mediocrity of my life for the past weeks and hell, i deserve a break!!

so fuck off anyone who would ruin my day.. today im gonna be fabulous!

...

2007-08-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

this is one of those nights that im really apprehensive of..

a lot of times, i would catch myself wanting to write about this matter but i would eventually keep myself from doing so because i feel its nothing serious compared to the really matter of life and death problems of the universe, that even before the act of writing about it, just the mere thought of singlehood and romance annoys me. it annoys me in a way that i know i shouldnt be thinking about this. annoying because i know that even if im not blessed now with a better half, im truly one of god's most favored children because of the magnanimous blessings ive received from him. annoying because i myself abhor people who whine and let themselves be overpowered by the "sadness" they feel because theyre single.

but tonight, i just couldnt handle it anymore. i feel lonely and sad. no man to kiss me goodnight, no guy to pat my back and say i did a great job at work, no boy to walk with me on the shoreline, no man who could handle my mood swings, no boy i could go to the grocery and cook for, no guy who would tell me i look divine even if im wasted, no boyfriend whom i could nag and be demanding with, no guy who could handle the wits and uniqueness of my friends, kuya, and mama, no boyfriend who will watch and critique theater plays with, no guy who could just be lazy with the whole day, no guy i could talk to about nothingness, no man who could appreciate my perfect me because of my flaws.

i know there's an ocean of male species outside my shell, but i dont want just anyone else. i want someone. i want the one. and i dunno how i could find him. i dont know how he could find me, for i am too busy... too busy working my ass off at work so the feeling i have now that i have been suppressing and being rational about would just drown to oblivion.

ill be better tomorrow.

P.S.

if this entry would create conclusions, please spare me the "you will find the one" or "your right time will come" statements. i know that very well. im just sad right now and thats just about it. i will never be childish about this.

there's something about my nilagang baka.

2007-08-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

so finally, im joining the bandwagon as how kuya would put it.

he was very pushy with me reviving my blog and creating a multiply account. but for the longest time i was hesitant, for im the type who would want least maintenance of my stuff and i just have more gthan enough personal and work-related accounts to sign in to, reply to messages, and log out for the next day's the same cycle.

and in this cosmopolitan ennui in the gulf they refer to as Dubai, the Arabs are more hypocritically disturbed than some Filipinos (whether way back home or anywhere in the globe). They block sites that for them can alter their traditions and customs. Oh well.. maybe thats wny many locals are being put to the justice hall because of sexual harrassment et al. And Multiply is yes ladies and gents.. blocked. I emailed Etisalat ( a govt subsidized mobile and isp company) and aired my thoughts and rantings> unexpectedly, the webamster was polite enough to reply promptly but he said they couldnt unblock the site for it was tagged as a "dating" site. And just like that, i gave up.

Funny thing is, the only way that I could access Multiply is if I Im in the office and due to the incredulous work sched i have, i couldnt log in to it, and because i want a blog entry to finally launch it which apparently i cant do, my multiply's opening salvo has been on hold for three weeks now... and just a few moments later, while cooking nilagang baka for lunch did i only realize that theres this technology which enables blogger to export blog entries to my multiply.. and hence... im writing this long narrative.

am i writing too much about nothingness.?! maybe this would leave people hanging with what ive been telling them about my "grand launch". i leave the objectivity to my reader/s. but what the heck! i missed writing and i missed my old self. because as how madonna would sing it... "this used to be my playground".

city and state please?..Ü

2005-03-16T03:26:00.000-08:00

its been a month.. oh well almost, since i last had the drive to post sumthin in my teeny-bopperish blog.Ü i dunno.. i just didnt feel like doing so....

be over with your woes.. im back. (hello fans!)

kiddin aside..

good news.. im no longer a bum.. theres somethin now im gonna be busy with...

im working for rmh teleservices... and i feel sumthin different but positive with this company and my employment... i hop rthis time i could make things happen.

when boredom strikes.. narcissism rescues

2005-02-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual
You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in
You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage
Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

day one..

2005-02-22T00:12:00.000-08:00

mai sings ... "and im doing just fine. getting along very well without you in my life.... im doin just fine. time made me stronger.. youre no longer on my mind."

a couple of an exchange of texts with my equally bitchy grace..

MAI : hey.. wala lang.. i just feel sad. i know its the best thing to happen right now.. i know also ill be fine.. its just that im sad.. sinusumpong ako ng lungkot.

GRACE : ur entitled to that. jst dnt overdo it. u cn never really appreciate happiness until uv hit that low point.

MAI : thanks for being resilient like what uve always been when im not.

GRACE : Not really, i work on it a lot. stay fab! big hug..

finally..

2005-02-21T02:12:00.000-08:00

i was successful with my plan. i didnt want to put an end to whatever's been going on between me and jonas... because i know i wouldnt have the balls to stick to my decision, so i just let him be himself and hurt me so id subconsciously reach the point of me giving up...

and now i am gradually falling out of love.

after not texting nor calling each other for two or three days, i gave him a call.

finally.. he ended it.

after more than 7 months of generally being at peace and happy with each other's company.. after all the i love you's and please stay with me..... after all the i-understand statements.... after all the heartaches... after all the sacrifices.... after all the perks... jonas isnt over sam yet.

what kills me more is that he is now entertaining the thought of splitting up with tere for sam.. which he never thought of during our time..

thank you lord for helping me and making me sane and fine.

i am sad.. but i have no regrets. i have loved someone unconditionally, and more than to anyone else.. i should be proud of myself for that.. and i am.

some things arent really meant to be. and of of those is us.

i am sad.. but not for long.Ü

uhmmm.. hmmm...

2005-02-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

".... yes i love u and i want you to stay. but i cant be with you. ill be like this for long.. invisible."

uhmm.. ok.

wala nakong nasabi.

they say im bitchy, i say im heavenly

2005-02-03T02:48:00.000-08:00

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior'>http://www.blogthings.com/warriorsoul.html">Warrior Soul, Hunter'>http://www.blogthings.com/huntersoul.html">Hunter Soul and Visionary'>http://www.blogthings.com/visionarysoul.html">Visionary Soul

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/kindsoulquiz.html">What Kind of Soul Are You?

reality bites.. it really does. and it hurts...

2005-02-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

awakened by an sms... " you make me going for the day ahead.. i love mornings now we're together."
i rush to the day.. finding my gray longsleeves, my fave pants, and a sling bag and watch to match... you sent me "i know youve been waiting for this.. i know you can make it."
while waiting for the results of my i.q. test and my initial interview, u messaged "fret not.this is what He wants.He'll make it happen for you".
stucked in a traffic jam, while being nonchalant to the profit hungry cab driver, i read my phone.. "you see.. congrats! can i be any prouder? mwah.Ü".
while taking down the director's reminders, you texted me.. "im here outside..".
............. and then you give me a big hug.. smooches on my face... you hand me a dinner present. you tell me... i love you baby........
on my way home... you didnt forget to tell me thru my mobile "you take lotsa care. i wont forgive myself if sumthin happens to you."

bleep... bleep.. (reality check....)
1 new message..
Baby....
"ey, sory, cnadya k hwag mgtxt para hwag mas masira araw agad nyt mo sa ust. d ako nag 6-9 knna, kse ksama ko c tere. 2nd month namin

and now im writing my blog.

human nature

2005-01-30T15:35:00.000-08:00

i may not really doubt my feelings now, but what im really not sure of is if i can still stay longer like this. can i still manage to be happy with where i am now.
as what ive always been telling myself and to the world.. i understand... totally. but whats scaring me is that it seems its just a one way process now.. or perhaps im just asking too much.. that i am again forgetting those little acts of love and concern...but whats scaring me more is him not being able to understand and instead of doing something to keep something so important to him, he'll just let go... because he believes that in such way could only prevent some other problems. i believe in that too sometimes.. but different ailments needs different treatments.
this could destroy or bring much more improvement on our relationship. i know he'll be able to read this. i am not sure if he'll be happy with the thought of me writing this down instead of telling him directly... uhmm, have i not? or should this thing be told because as far as i know, u must know what someone needs from you too, especially when u say you love him.
leah said im just missing him. and because he cant call me nor text (which im sure has reasons whether valid or not). i m frustrated, because he would be the person i would want to run to now... now that i am again in a not so lovely state. he is the person i would want to talk to unload my baggages. he is the first person i would want to break the news with that ill be working soon. but he's too busy. busy for important things i know are essential..that he barely has the time for me. but i again understand.
but i hope he knows whats the bottom line of all of these.. and of all of the things we've argued about. i am not even trying to wash my hands for i had my share of shit too, but in whatever aspect you look at it.. he could only be the person who could change things.... but i know he's not yet ready. and i again understand.
i hope the lord will give me much more strength to endure these.. for i have my needs too.. and more optimism that soon, he'll come to realize that i have been staying with him for so long already despite all the negative things that happened and that i am very musch willing to stay longer. i am human, i need to be loved, is that too much to ask from you?

suddenly...

2005-01-30T15:10:00.000-08:00

despite the pressure of me needing to be employed as soon as possible.. i wasnt very much worried like before (when i first experienced how it was to become a bum). perhaps what time has generously taught me for the past two years or so, has hepled me a lot cope thru my changing needs and issues in life... the sun shines after the rain.

i have laid all my plans and wants and needs to the lord, (i may not be a practicing catholic but i do have a nice relationship with Him). i told Him its all up to Him now. i have resolved my issues about working for a call center again and even trying to get in to the cruise ship industry which mari, a friend from ccp has offered to me. i am ready to work. armed with so much hope and enthusiasm, i have started making things happen. but the lord is so so good.. He has given me so many more options.. now i got a project in angeles, pampanga. its the lova palooza. and also another one which i intend not to mention for the mean time for the purpose of not jeopardizing it. thanks so much to the people who have continuously helped me. their unconditional generosity has changed me in a way or two. thanks thanks... *smooches*

now, i wont be wearing my pyjamas all day long anymore.Ü

on wearing my pyjamas the whole day..

2005-01-18T00:10:00.000-08:00

up by 3pm... had lunch... i had rice and kuya's salpicao. and then i cleaned the house.. and then i took a bath.... then i played my mariah cd... then i bought dinner... of copurse i ate again.. then i took a shower again so as to be able to put on body oil ( i luv this).... then i watched some lousy kapamilya shows... then i had dinner again.... then i talked to my baby (he's now recuperating.. thank god)..... then i am now online. see, there are so may things to do when you have nothing else important to do. and this is what you call.... a bum star's life. (but this wont be long). Ü

to help you in deciphering the crabbed star

2005-01-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

Red 2x4 brick

You're the average red 2x4 that people always reach
for first whenever they are making a house.
Everyone has tons of you, yet for some reason
almost no one can manage to make an entirely
red house.

What Lego piece are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you know you have loved when you lost the one

2005-01-13T11:33:00.000-08:00

i woke up and u were the first thing on my mind. while still in bed, i looked on my other side and only petipa was there. its been a week. where have you gone? i hold u liable for mom's sickness.she would be looking for you everywhere and calling out your name every night worried for you might not have eaten yet.i want to cuddle you and carry you in my arms once again. you have made me believe i am understood when i was gloomy. you listened when i had no one to talk to. your meow is more than enough to make me smile whenever i come home tired and restless. i miss you baby queenie. please come back. tell me we havent lost you yet. we are just waiting for you to come back home. :(

one of the few stolen moments..

2005-01-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

*while listening to till they take my heart away (i wuv u baby)

just like any other plans of meeting we had before, i wasnt expectant. my baby had all the reasons, valid though (i want to believe). in fairness, i had my share of stuff too for the jeopardy of our dates.Ü going back last night, i was flabbergasted upon hearing him say "i need to sleep. ayokong may eye bags ako pag nakita kita tom."

so did the clock strike its time to prepare. i was very excited. i was in galleria 10:45 since he said he'll be waiting for me in between 10:30-11am. and so, i texted him saying i was there already. and he said he'll be there in no time. so i strolled.... and strolled... and window-shopped.. and strolled again. until i realized it was already 12. i was starting to get annoyed.. rather i was really ANNOYED. i dont want to be kept waiting. and he arrived. and i was still annoyed.. on the verge of blabbing, but i had self-control.

s0 went to fix salon, just what our main agenda was. i said to the counter girl that jonas' hair (okay, nasabi ko na name nya.) be done by leo, my stylist. i seated next to him as i browsed on a mag and more oftenly checked on him.. manipis pala buhok nya, i realized. anyway, i was praying his do turns alrighty... he trusted me to let his crowning glory be cut.. SHORT. and so it did turn out not just okay but.. PERFECT. i giggled. kinilig ako. ang pogi ng baby ko lalo. he now looks 10 years fresher. and then, he wasnt really feeling comfy. di daw sya sanay. parang mataas daw masyado ung buhok nya. mukha daw sya punk. he was worried that his friends might make fun of him. he was worried that he might not be able to fix it on a daily basis. then i shared to him my hair regimen, since ive been keeping this kind of do since hi school, so i should say im no longer an abecedarian on self-hair styling.

then we had lunch. im not really sure, but people were looking at us. he was beginning to be touchy and cheezy. kaya kinilig ako lalo.Ü then we headed to the bus stop. he went to his class and i fetched leah in school. he was really sweet while we were on our way. the people were secretly looking i knew. but i tried not to mind kasi sasabihin nanaman nya na kinakahiya ko siya.we exchanged our bags. my green sling bag is with him now and im using his black backpack (sabi pa ni leah jonas subconsciously knew that i needed a bigger one kasi i had to bring home her gifts for mom) i was quite ranting for there was no traffic, so sandali ko lng sya makakatabi... sigh,
then he went down to bustillos and i told him to take a pedicab going to uste.

then i met up with leah already. while with leah, i just couldnt get enough of how jonas looks now. so breathtaking. now better than brent.... far more better.

*now singing "when can i see you again"

brand me

2005-01-11T04:20:00.000-08:00

i panic most of the time when someone asks me if im single or not. i have this ongoing relationship with sanjo (thats not his real name for purposes of disguise since he's not out). weve known each other for more than a year i think.. but it was only six months ago that we started knowing each other and estimatedly 2 months of loving each other. the thing is, he has a girlfriend who said "yes" to him without sanjo asking. and now they are together. his friendster and blog and his fone are bombarded with the girl's presence, though i know its all a big shit. sanjo loves me. ( argue not., im over the phase of doubting. ive reconciled my issues already). we may not have the luxury of time to be together but its really no biggie. its quite a complicated story. perhaps on my next entries ill be able to assay that.

sanjo loves me. i love him too. he has a girl he doesnt love. i existed already long before something wenton between the two of them. i am illegal technically, relationaship-wise because we're not officially together. what am i now? a mistress? a relationaship-wrecker? maybe not on the rebound...

labels.... why do we give so much fuss about them?

why am i so bothered?

what am i now?

mai is crabbed?!

2005-01-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

kuya thinks a crabbed star is a starlet who got crabs because of sleeping too much with others. its made sense i think..... but no.

according to mr webster..........

crabbed - (adj) morose ; hard to decipher
- and that is me. more oftenly misunderstood. hard to understand

star - (n) a celestial body ; heavenly ; sparkling ; illuminating
- do i need to explain further?Ü

mai is a crabbed star.

and now im a blogger

2005-01-10T01:40:00.000-08:00

it took me more than 2 hours to create this account. i thought this blogspot is as user-friendly as friendster.. but it isnt. thanks to kuya who painstakingly assisted me. or im not sure, am i just that computer illiterate that i find it hard to follow the "how to" stuff? anyway... the reason why i put up this account is because i viewed baby jo's tabula/s?.... and i was startled by its content.. since i am fond of doing things that would say something about myself ( i have a friendster, myspace, connexion, and hi5 account) i decided to hit that url address of blogspot (which kuya suggested) and voila. perfect. i just hope i would be able to sustain this. i just have a few queries... uhmmm... do i write here to tell the world what my whereabouts are or its just my thoughts about socially relevant things that would count? do i get to meet people here too? can i just write about anything i feel like writing?.. even profanity and promiscuity... is it okay to be just myself ( mushy, sometimes stupid, more oftenly bitchy aND eternally fab? Ü). uhmmm... i dont expect an answer. alrighty then. ill just write what my thoughts are candidly. besides its my space. geesh im a blogger. Ü do i make sense?